Laundry Mat Lemonade

“School bus yellow” is the color of the chairs that line the windows at the laundry mat I go to. They remind me of subway seats except a bit narrower yet, I don’t find them uncomfortable. I sat and read a bit to pass the time and to be honest it was one of the most relaxing experiences I’ve had in a while.

I am a bit weird, finding pleasure in the most dull activities. My days spent at the laundry mat are an example of this. The sound of the spin cycle swooshing its contents around cradle my senses. The smell of detergent mixed with the warm air expelled from the dryers amplify the feel of comfort. The soft feel of the newly dried clothes when folding it into piles to be put away at a later date (because I’m not sure why it takes me days to put away my clothes). I find all of that so soothing to me. Sure, going to the laundry mat can take away from the relaxing bit of your time off if you let it, but I try to think of what many people would find annoying as positives.

Yes, it could get crowded with all sorts of characters, and yes you may have to wait for machines, or make small talk with a stranger. Those are all still “not-so-bad” kinds of situations. Yes, you’re hauling your dirty laundry around, getting more exercise than you had hoped for in the process. Still, not-so-bad kind of a situation. And yes, you may lose a sock, a button, or a set of your favorite pillow cases (true story) but doesn’t that happen to you anyways?

I observe. I write. I read. I take moments to enjoy how different it feels to be at the laundry mat. I look at others, be it employees or patrons, and I try to create enchanted lives for them. I may even daydream and create an enchanted life of my own.

No one ideally wakes up with the need and want of spending time at the laundry mat, but sometimes life will throw you a lemon. Don’t just stare at itor make that same old, same old lemonade. Observe it from a different angle and see what else you can make of it.

Out With The Old

It has been months since I’ve posted anything of importance on my page. I’ve been asked by people if I’m okay, if I’ve been reconsidering writing, if I’ve lost myself or my creativity for ideas. They’re all legitimate questions, I guess, for those who don’t really know me. Writing will forever be my passion and it will forever be the one thing I strive to do with my life. I will say that in the last 6 months I feel as though the Universe has been purging my life of any thing that is either holding me back or trying to guide me into a wrong direction, a direction that really isn’t where I want my life to go. Moments like these of course impact my writing and it can even lead me to going into hiding at which then any writing I do is all personal and away from public eyes.

These past six months I have been able to sift through some ideas I had been playing around with for quite sometime. I have also been becoming more grounded in the ways of how I want to be living my life; ways that best fit me and who I am as an individual, as opposed to what society may see fit for me. I have become prouder of who I am as a person and in the decisions I have made in my life. I have noticed the increase in my inner strength and courage, and have been an active witness to what a woman I have slowly become. There are aspects of my life that of course need improvement. That is obviously something that will always be a part of life, the need of improvement for mind, body and soul.

One very new self-revelation that I have come across is the the level of embracing who I am as an individual and wholeheartedly loving the being who is me. To me this is what matters above all else because this level of self love and acceptance fuels everything else. It’s what keeps the motivation going and the strength to always achieve the things that make you truly happy. Along with positive self-worth comes the knowledge of knowing that you do deserve happiness and all good things that life has to offer you.

Little by little I have been approaching a life that embraces more minimalism when it comes to the materialistic and it has in turn enriched my life in so many other ways, more valuable ways. Stress and Anxiety rarely live here anymore. Whenever I feel a hint of either, I dismiss it in my own way, be it by meditation, by simple positive thinking, whatever it is that I choose to help ease any anxiousness or stress. I feel as though I have begun to really believe the saying, “every problem has a solution”, because lately no problem seems too much to handle. I feel like after years of preparing myself mentally, I have finally gotten to that point in which I can really take a look at situations objectively and understand. I may not have the answers to why, when, where, how… the understanding comes with the knowledge of knowing that some things I cannot change yet I can still go with the flow of life and allow for certain things to handle themselves.

I’ve got a lot of “newness” coming into my life. After months of breaking down an old foundation and getting rid of the past, the old, and everything that no longer serves me, it is now time for the rebuild. I have so much more creativity due to this newness it’s time to give back, because with new opportunities, new adventures, a new way of living comes new stories, new troubles that will arise that I will find solutions to and then will later be able to give my own advice on.

There is an excitement that I haven’t felt in quite a long time and I embrace everything that is coming in to my world for the first time.

A Helpful Green Thumb

Emotionally draining, that’s how I would describe the last few weeks of my life. Not necessarily in a bad way but still draining none the less. I woke up this morning feeling slightly depressed and after moping around for the first couple of hours after waking up, I decided to try and snap myself out of my funk.

I had a few materials left over from a wedding project I had completed over the weekend and decided to put them to use in hopes of making myself feel better. I had a left over Rosemary plant, a mason jar, rocks, and potting soil. I layered the bottom of the mason jar with the small rock and then poured in some potting soil over the top . Next, I removed the Rosemary plant from its container gently shaking loose the roots. I then placed the plant inside the jar and packed it in using more potting soil. I added little bit of water and presto! Not only did I have a cute Rosemary plant but I also felt so much better.

I am unsure of when during the process the smile had appeared but either way, I am grateful for it. As I look at this little plant sitting on my bedroom window sill I can’t help but feel the warm feeling of joy in the pit of my chest. With just the small action of re-potting this tiny herb, it had instantly given back so much more. Just another way of  Life reminding us to simply try to find joy in all of its simplicities.

 

Contending With Honesty

My relationship with honesty has always been irregular.

As a kid, I would make up stories even about the most typical parts of my life. I had my reasons, though. It wasn’t because I loved lying. I used to hate to think about it as lying. I chose to think of it as storytelling. I told stories to fit in with the crowd. I used to think that all the kids I met had cool lives. I wanted a cool life too and so I would spruce up certain things about mine just to make me feel like I was like them.

I did eventually grow out of it. It was exhausting, not only portraying someone that you’re not, but it was hard to realize that others would in turn read me wrong. I felt like no one really knew me, let alone understood me, and how could they? I wasn’t giving anyone the real version of me. As I got into high school being honest soon started to become my new addiction. So much so, that I became brutally honest. That began a totally new battle. Instead of before when my battle with honesty seemed more internal, now it was starting to become a more physical battle with others.

I became explosive with my honesty. If I was feeling a certain way about something, I was letting you know whether you wanted to listen or not. There was no sugar coating anything. What for? To add confusion? To allow someone to believe that things were one way when in reality it wasn’t, or to soften the blow? I felt as though that was all wasting time and why do that? Arguments with people would ensue, be it with friends or family. Then that too started to become exhausting.

It wasn’t until my 20’s, once I moved away from home and began to really look into my self, that I began looking at life and how to handle it differently. Soul searching provided me with a different view on how to approach certain aspects of life, especially that of being honest. I learned that it was important to share your thoughts and your true feelings with others so that there would less confusion and more understanding. It was OK to be brutal but just as easily OK to soften the blows, and that there was a time and place. Yet, since then I have come to understand that I now have a new hill to climb. I now struggle with the patience that must be had when it comes to others and their understanding of honesty.

To me, I see honesty as a privilege that we should be allowed to have. It should be our prerogative, as human beings, to want to express it as well as be able to receive it. The thing is, people only see life and everything about it, from their own perspective. Human beings are so self absorbed in their own lives and feelings towards it, that they tend to forget that others that they are sharing this existence with my have a different spin on what they share as the same situation. That’s how feelings get dismissed and how lives become discounted and discredited.

Take, for instance, a “break up” (if we could even call it that) I had about 4 years ago. A good friend of mine and I were becoming reacquainted again after my move back from CA. We began going on dates here and there, which later then turned into midnight escapades. It was fun but only until I started realizing that he was falling hard and I, simply put, just wanted to have fun. I was honest and explained that him and I were on two different planes in life and although everything was fine, I simply did not see him “in that way” and felt that it would only be right to end what was going on. It was difficult for me to do because I knew of how he felt for me. Who wants to break someone’s heart? Yet, I couldn’t lead him on or waste his time nor mine. His reaction wasn’t good. He hated me of course and called me every name in the book. He went on to talk shit about me to all his friends, spewing all sorts of negativity to anyone who would listen. I was in shock. I knew he was going to be upset, but to the point that he had spoken so ill of me? I was in shock because I hadn’t understood what he had wanted me to do. Had he wanted me to lie to him and put up a charade all so his ego’s needs could be met? It took so much patience to not lash out the way I wanted to about that situation and that’s only one example. I see it everyday with the people I come in contact with , the battles we all have with honesty and all the internal and external struggles it comes with. So are battles with honesty that irregular then? Or is it actually more common than we considering human beings and how we think, which is in mainly an introspectively self absorbed way.

I place a high value on honesty when it comes to terms with myself and others. I choose to be a woman of integrity and want for my character to always be able to be described as open, honest, and approachable. I want to be receptive because if I want to be heard, I too need to listen in order to understand.

I guess maybe these aren’t even battles with honesty at all. It’s just learning life.

3 Days In

I have officially been 32 for three days now and although I have always known that I would love my 30’s, I didn’t think I was going to do so as much I do.

I feel powerful and assertive. I am truly comfortable in my own skin. I love that even though I may not know exactly what I want in all aspects of my life, I do know exactly what I want (or don’t want) right now.

“Do I want to pick up that work shift tonight? Nope. Do I want to date seriously right now? Nope. Do I feel like going on a random adventure to wherever the heck I want? Hell Yes! Am I going to wait around for others in order to realize my dreams? Nope.”

I’m not concerned about others and their role in my life as I once to be. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I care about those that are in my life. I am nice to strangers. I love and cherish humanity. All I’m saying is that I cannot and will not place my life and my potential level of happiness in their hands.

Most of my early to mid 20’s were lived thinking that I knew so much when in actuality I knew nothing at all. Not only that but I was constantly making decisions based on other’s wants and needs instead of my own. Back then I had  no clue what I truly wanted. Once I was humbled and began to realize all of this, I was opened to a deeper sense of self-discovery. My late 20’s was the beginning stage of my core self-discovery, because let us be real, life is ultimately about self-discovery. I discovered my core “self” and what it needed and wanted. These past couple of years of entering and beginning my 30’s has been a time of implementation.  I have been working on better decision making, and when I say “better” I mean better for myself, as well as taking steps towards goals I have always wanted to keep for myself.

Now I can say that my ways have changed just like the taste buds on a tongue’s pallet. My inner child lives on but its thinking has gotten a bit more wise; a bit more acquired. I look forward to all the happiness I’m going to be bringing upon myself. I’ve got this new zest to life and it’s slowly awakening my life’s purpose.

Keepin’On

There is an internal battle I’m having between what I am and what I want to turn “this” into. The problem is, I don’t really know what I am and I’m not too sure what I want to turn “this” into.

What is “this”? It’s my writing.

I have so many ideas swimming around constantly in my head and lately I’ve taken so much time off of writing that now my brain feels as if it is over flowing with topics and ideas to write about. Yet as I sit here and try to put something together, it all falls onto the paper as a jumbled mess. It’s almost as if my ideas have been puttied together and I don’t seem to have a clue as to how to pull them back apart. Everything from short stories, to novels, to comedy skits, to movie plots and story lines. I even have a fictional character whom I’d love to make into it’s own “thing”; its own entity.

I’m not sure if those that read this will understand what I’m currently feeling. I would suspect that most won’t and will look at this as a sort of “yammering on” type of blog piece but I’m sure there will be a handful that can understand my current struggle. If I were someone else giving me advice, I would say to me that time will disclose what path to take. I would say to not worry so much about where you’re headed but more on the “right now” since it is the present that is gifting you the experience for whatever ends up being your mission later.

It’s good advice if I do say so myself. It’s a great reminder that everything has a “season and a reason”. For now I’ll have to settle for simply sifting out my  thoughts while making sure to just keep on writing them all down.

 

Welcome Back

Death always has a way of stirring up thoughts and emotions that one sometimes ignores.

My grandmother almost died last week. The little firecracker put a real scare into everyone. All seven of her kids flew to Colombia to be by her side. A couple days later she made almost a full recovery. As full of a recovery that an 86 year old lady who just happened to catch a bad case of pneumonia could. She also had blood clots forming in her lungs which is what made the doctors question how much longer the little lady had to live.

The scare reunited the family together. For a week they all stayed by her side, laughing, crying, reminiscing over the good and bad times they have shared together. For me, my grandmother’s close to death experience made me think long and hard about all of the sacrifices this woman had to make in life raising 8 children, losing one of them, all while married to a husband who hadn’t loved her as much as he should have. It made me think about my life and how I never wanted to sacrifice my entire existence to please others instead of pleasing myself.

I hadn’t realized how unhappy I had recently become until a few things happened that triggered a shut down. When I say I shut down I mean I shut down. Other than getting up for work and robotically moving throughout my workday, I couldn’t muster up any energy to do anything else. No writing. No painting. No socializing. All I wanted was to come home, crawl into my bed and get lost in a world of Netflix and YouTube videos. The night would end and the next day would start, the same routine all over again. I was depressed and I hadn’t even realized it until an argument was had with the guy I was seeing which really placed things into perspective for me,  which was then followed by the news of my grandmother’s declining health.

I decided to take certain matters of mine into my own hands. I made a firm decision to walk away from a situation that wasn’t working for me. It’s been a few days and I can’t say I regret doing so. I hadn’t realized how stressed out I was before, and now that changes have been made it is like my days are a little brighter and I go about my life like a summer breeze, cool and calm. I feel like I am almost back to being me again. Even as I sit here and write this I wonder how I could let such outside forces really determine whether or not I have time to do the things I love to do. I blame myself for giving so much of me that I had no energy to then give to myself. It is a lesson I learned before but I guess I had forgotten about. I will not forget again. I will not lose myself or lose the energy to do for myself to simply make others happy.

Hi Me.

Welcome Back!