Letting someone peek into my personal diary is like spotting a shooting star – it’s special and doesn’t happen often, especially for a private person like me. But it’s no surprise when I get all steamed up because the person I’m sharing with turns the spotlight on themselves. Even more grating? It’s not their debut performance – we’ve been through this act more times than I can count, particularly with this family member. So, what’s the encore?
Maybe it’s time to close the diary.
The answer is as clear as a bell. If it only leads to a tug-of-war, then why bother opening up? Why even start such an intimate dialogue? I do it because the person I cherish is the one I desperately want to have an equal exchange with. A conversation where we both have the floor, taking turns in the spotlight. That’s not asking for the moon, is it?
Yet, it seems the limelight always finds them. Today’s lightbulb moment is about guarding my personal chapters. If someone is genuinely interested, they’ll inquire. If they don’t, then my rule is silence.
Followed, quite predictably, by absence.
I hold the reins, and sometimes I just need to remind myself of that.
Why are we so obsessed with broadcasting our identity, like a peacock flaunting its feathers? So, I started trading plasma for plane tickets (cha-ching!), and I couldn’t help but notice the usual suspects shuffling in. There’s this itch, this compulsion to not blend into the crowd, even though I’m queuing up right alongside them. I may feel opposite, but in reality, I am no different from any one of them.
I was naive to the allure of ‘easy money’—it’s like catnip for the cash-strapped, the so-called outcasts of our oh-so-judgmental society. But really, how did that slip my mind?
The drill’s a breeze: strut in, sign up, and as long as you’re not a walking zombie or a protein-poor iron-deficient, you’re as good as gold! Ninety minutes and voilà—you’re a bit richer, and all it takes is a 48-hour breather before you can cash in again.
And here I am, a drop in the bucket of eclectic souls. We’re incognito yet bound by a secret pact: none of us are here for the noble act of donation. Nope, it’s all about the greenbacks.
I dish out one-liners, lock eyes with the staff, and put on my Sunday best (without making it obvious, of course). It feels like a charade, a confirmation of the ego lurking within us all. Despite our altruistic airs and empathetic hearts, we’re slaves to validation, seeking approval in the gaze and thoughts of others. For a rebel like me, who prides herself on shrugging off public opinion, it’s a bit of a bummer—a nudge reminding me that, deep down, I’m just another player in the game of life.
“I wonder where my heart will land, and if it’ll land where my body lies.”- Natal Galvan
They are among us, yet they fade from my sight. No longer do I perceive the addicts; instead, I see the individuals they were, the selves they long to reclaim, the potential they possess. Their narratives are woven into their attire, their distress sculpted upon their visages. Occasionally, I discern the tears that mar their cheeks—tears ignored, for who casts a glance their way? What does it matter? Those tears are silent pleas for aid. Yet we don’t acknowledge their existence.
For some, their prospects were snatched away; for others, surrendered willingly. Their anticipated futures dissolved, leaving only the anguish of the present. Some occupy the desolate corners, chilled and damp; others wander the byways, seeking a path to renewal. Hope has eluded many, their strength waning. Among them are veterans who once battled for our freedoms, entrepreneurs who steered vast enterprises, individuals blessed with joyful beginnings, and those seemingly destined for relentless hardship.
If you pause to contemplate a moment in their lives, your soul cannot help but be burdened, for our imaginings pale in comparison to their stark realities. Thus, we must embrace compassion and empathy. Rather than averting our gaze, let us offer a simple smile—a beacon of hope to sustain them a moment longer.
They are all around us, invisible to some. But I see them—I see the humanity that endures within.
They say that the beginning of the New Year was actually in April. That’s why they have April Fool’s Day, in celebration of those (fools) who clung onto the old date of rining in the new year, between March 25th and April 1st.
I feel it. I always have. I’ve never felt January 1st to feel any different, let alone “new.” It was simply another day; a break allowing us to unwind from the hectic holidays.
It could be the fact that winter hasn’t really touched on us yet. It feels warmer than it should for the month of February. It’s tricking my mind that spring is coming. Yet, the weather isn’t the only thing that has me feeling oddly fresh and new. Something internally is buzzing with activity.
After some hibernation, I’m coming out more energized and authentic. It started by setting up boundaries that long ago should have been placed. Once I created a bit of space, I hung in silence. You can’t imagine the amount of noise there is lingering around you until you remove the chatter.
The silence is peaceful and, at times, even awkward. I embrace that feeling of awkwardness because it’s one that I don’t have often. Questions arise, you begin asking yourself, what now? Then, within the silence, you hear whispers of answers.
Stillness and calm have not only a soothing effect but a fulfilling one. You begin to answer the questions that have always swirled within your mind. Without the noise to distract you, you begin to learn your wants, desires, and who you are within this body.
My new year is beginning with the spring equinox. I’m revamping my life. Although there are things I have to still take care of slowly, I’m letting some of those things just be. They’ll take care of themselves, or shall I say, life will take care of them for me.
New projects light the path in front of me. New routines are bringing me excitement and fun, and although I’m not completely tossing out the “old,” I’m just not looking back there as often.
Self-care is of top priority as of late. Not because it’s a new year. No, this wagon left the station way before the spirit of the holiday season came upon us. Awareness crept back in October after realizing that I had let go of a lot of my own rituals that kept me rooted, balanced. Since then, I’ve been slowly getting back into the swing of things, my swing for all things. A little more mediation and yoga here, a float in a sensory deprivation tank there, a day of getting pampered with a massage and facial on another day. The money that I have spent throughout the last couple of weeks have been well worth it because the feeling of being whole again has been utterly priceless. I noticeably have released a ton of tension, and have learned to really romanticize my day, gifting myself moments of pleasure and joy instead of leaving it in the hands of others to do it for me, to then be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.
Taking control over my own happiness isn’t the only thing I’ve been up to these days. I’ve also been making sure to set boundaries. Noticing myself creep back into my old co-dependent ways, I immediately had to set boundaries with those closest to me. I’ve been allowing too much negative talk to thicken the air around me. I’ve been allowing for people to take and take until my cup has run dry. Oddly enough, it’s these very same people that’ll say “Nat, you should really think about taking some time to yourself. You seem like you’re depleted, and you can’t keep giving if you’re running empty,” not realizing it is them who are sucking me dry. Within the same breath, they’ll ask more of me, “By the way, do you think you could read my cards for the month?? I feel like I need a reading to guide my way. I’ve got a new job lined up and I need to see what I’m working with. Thanks.” they demand, tipping over my cup, tapping it ferociously trying to get every last drop out of me.
I’m relearning how to say “no” and mean it. I’ve played dumb to situations as to not have to pick up responsibility that, in all fairness, I shouldn’t be asked to pick up. I try to remain, at times, unassuming and unaware, paying close attention to the things I want to engage in, instead of focusing my energy on what others need me to focus on for them, the takers. Although it’s been a bit disappointing to catch myself slipping back into their claws, I’m happy to say that at least I caught myself. Noticing the regression just in time, before any real damage has been done, is the key to getting back to using the tools given to you, to help you get back to enjoying your time here. So now that I’ve noticed, it’s time to take back my time and my Self and get back to living for myself.
Waking up between the 2:45am and 3:38am is the time I rise up randomly, wide awake, thoughts demanding my attention. It isn’t typical for this to happen to me but when it does, I can expect to not be able to get back to sleep for another couple of hours. It’s a moment in time in which I can proudly show myself how lazy I’m not, because instead of giving in and getting up, I lay working hard to get myself back to sleep. But, until I do, this is where I find my thoughts sprinting from one topic to the next without warning. Mentally, my brain takes a trip to places I rather not visit, trying to take swims in deep pools of negativity.
Last night was one of these nights. I had to keep reminding myself, “The Universe has your back…. Everything is ok… You don’t know the future, so don’t be scared of the unknown because it’s going to be so GOOD….”
I know that I’ve reached a point in my life where something is going to happen; I am at a pivotal point in my life. With so much that has removed itself from my life, I am now very open to any opportunities that come my way. I am excited for this, or at least I tell myself that I am excited. Yet, I definitely know that there is a huge transitional period that I’m entering, and I have to acknowledge the fact that, yes, I am a little nervous. No matter which way I turn, I know that I will be once again, starting completely over. I’ve started my life over numerous times, so it’s almost second nature to know what to do and how to go about doing it. I can’t argue that romanticizing starting over once again is difficult this time around. I’m at a point in my life where I’d like to start building my nest, yet maybe this is showing me that here isn’t the place.
Day two of the new year and I’m contemplating life and my current choices, waiting and resting while I allow for new opportunities to present themselves to me. I guess, if I really think about it, I’m right on track.
I just recently returned from my annual haunted vacation with friends. It’s something that we have been doing for the past few years. We live in different states so once a year, over the course of the year, we compile ideas of places where we would like to visit that are either very haunted or extremely spooky. This year we decided to venture off to West Virginia and our first location of three was the abandoned amusement park near Princeton, WV.
Not many know of or have heard of Lake Shawnee outside of those who live nearby, though the history of this abandon amusement park is quite rich. Before opening as an amusement park in the 1920’s, it was home to Native American Indians, more precisely the Shawnee tribe. Eventually, when the amusement park opened up in 1926, it had unknowingly been built over an old Native American burial ground. It is said that because of this disturbance that the land was cursed. In my opinion, I don’t believe that it is the Native Americans themselves that have cursed the land but, more so, the energy of the tragedy that followed thousands of years later. A tale as old as time, and so tragic that one cannot help but know that, it is this story that contributes in the curse that seemed to have befallen over the park.
Hundreds of years ago, the Clay family, the first family to settle in this area of West Virginia, had established their home on this very land, and so it wasn’t very long after doing so that the Native Americans decided to take revenge on the family that had stolen their land. The Shawnee tribe sought their revenge in 1785 by immediately killing off two the family’s children, and later kidnapping a third and burning him alive at the stake. Michael Clay, their father, quickly sought revenge on the Native Americans killing a few of the Shawnee Indians.
Centuries later, the land was bought and made into an amusement park opening up in 1926 and stayed operation until 1967, in which it ended up being closed down due to failed health inspections. Throughout its operation, there were three noted deaths at the park. Two of the deaths involved drowning (one little boy was found at the bottom of the pool after his arm was caught in a pipe, while the other had been a little boy left by his mother for the day and when she returned to get him, he had been found floating at the bottom of the pool), the third death was of a little girl who had been riding the swing ride at the time and her swing had collided into a concession stand killing her instantly. A fourth death has been speculated but has still not proven, or at least directly linked to Lake Shawnee, and that is the death of a gentleman who had been coming down one of the lake’s slides when he went over the side, smashing his head onto the cement at the lake’s edge below. The park featured a Ferris wheel, a swing ride, a swimming pool, the lake, concession stands, as well as cabins for overnight stays. The park was the first of its kind in the area and was very popular, especially amongst the local residents.
After being closed for nearly two decades, the park was reopened in 1985 after it was purchased by a former employee who previously had worked for the park. However, due to increasing insurance rates, it was only three years later that the park had to be closed down for continuous insurance rate hikes. The owner, Mr. White tried to continue running the park by sponsoring fishing tournaments as well as off-roading events. It was throughout this time where construction for the mud bog, that they unearthed human remains, later confirming that the land had served as an old Indian burial ground. Since then, further disruption of the land has stopped, and it has continued to serve as a site for archeological investigation.
Today the park is operated as an abandoned amusement park by the son of Mr. White along with a few other local residents. The park is operated as a non-profit organization and all money made after paying their overhead is donated to local charities individually picked by those who run the amusement park.
In order to gain access into the park, you must first make an appointment ahead of time. The park is operated voluntarily by those with full-time jobs. Access into the park is based around availability of these volunteers, and although you would be able to make an appointment for virtually any time or date, unless you make an appointment you can guarantee that you won’t be making it onto the property and will only be able to observe very little from the property’s fence.
When visitng the park, we opted for the overnight stay but this is not the only activity offered. You’re more than welcome to do a simple day tour of the property. Upon our arrival, we were greeted by your host whom we spend 90 mins with going over the history as well as a tour of the lay of the land. Our host ended up being the son of Mr. White, the owner who ran the property from 1985-1988. The passion behind this man towards the old amusement park is something to marvel at. He posseses tons of artifacts such as original jewlery and arrow heads found from the Native American burial sites, as well as authentic pictures from the time of the park being in full operation. He had plenty of stories to share, which he doesn’t publish, so in order for you to hear the stories, you must take the tour.
When our tour was completed, we were left to our own devices. We stationed ourselves in the outdoor dance hall area. There is no electricity other than the lights that are set for the park, which are not many. On the night that we had our stay, the weather dropped down to 28° and so we were in luck to have had a fire pit there. Our host also provided logs of wood free of charge, although we did end up leaving cash for it.
Our paranormal experiences were mild; however we did experience some. It was a windless night, and we were able to communicate with spirits through an old plastic toy pinwheel. It had been left years ago for the spirits of the children who have passed on to play with as a sort of offering. We don’t know exactly who we were communicating with, but they used this pinwheel to let us know that they were there and listening.
Knowing the park’s history and staying on that property overnight is probably what was most eerie of our stay there. We weren’t attacked by ghoulish ghosts. We weren’t run off by scary shadow figures. With its overgrown vines taking over the old attractions, and the morning and nightly mist that is there to greet you, you cannot help but feel a bit of unease. If anything, the cold and the darkness of the night was what ended up being the most frightening experience of it all.
For those that know ghost hunting, you know that while on your hunt, you are not going to sleep at all. Even if we wanted to sleep, the cold hadn’t let us. We were excited to slowly see the sun come up and with it just a bit more warmth, but not by much. After concluding our investigation and thawing out some around the fire pit, we headed off to our final spot, the area of the Native American burial ground where the memorial stone stood.
The stone itself has a unique story to it. Back when it was first discovered that this land was sacred Indian land, the landowners were trying to find the perfect memorial for it. A 6-foot stone was placed on the land temporarily to mark the memorial. That very night that the stone was placed on the land, it rained and over the night and next day they discovered that the stone had sunken 3 feet into the ground. If you look at the stone from a certain angle, the stone looks like a Native American’s head dressed with a feathered head piece. Once the discovery was made of the stone and its unmistakable image, the stone was left as the memorial stone where it is there to this day along with offerings left by those who have toured the park. I, myself left an offering as a “thank you”.
Visiting Lake Shawnee was a memorable experience that we will take with us forever. Simply meeting our host was something short of magical experience considering the energy that fell from him was radiating and contagious. If you ever find yourself in this area of West Virginia, I highly recommend a visit to the park whether as an overnight guest or to take a short day-tour. I promise you won’t forget it.
I don’t know shit about life. All I know is that I know nothing really. My 20’s started off with me knowing exactly what life was about and how to work around it. I quickly learned that there isn’t a way to work around life. You’ve got to work with it. That means you need to live day to day observing what goes on around you. This is how you learn to maneuver your way along with life and the obstacles (lessons) that are bestowed upon us on a day to day basis.
As I was on my way to the grocery store today, I was in a more pensive state of mind than usual. My mind bounced from one topic to the next, and as I thought, I couldn’t help but observe one constant thread creating a link between all of them. The theme being “relationships” and with each fresh new subject that coursed through my mind, I noticed how bonds that we create with others (or lack thereof) really can make or break a situation.
Growing up I was accustomed to watching adults around me be evasive with their friends and even family members. They would ignore phone calls, constantly rescheduled plans that were previously made, and always seemed bothered at having to socialize with others who so badly wanted to socialize with them. It is no wonder that I’ve developed into more of a “right here right now” type of person. I connect with others in the present moment, but once you’re out of my sight, it is what is in front of me that I focus on, not on trying to maintain what was. Unlike my pets or plants, I don’t know how to cultivate and nurture friendships, and with how technology is, it is easier for others to point that out. Now more than ever it is easy to stay in contact with people no matter the distance. Yet in doing so, I feel that it is almost like having to trade your personal freedom and time for making sure others feel important. To me, it feels as though the advancement in technology and being able to stay connected with others has made relationship building a tedious job, something I have to make sure to check off my list, instead of it being something that is naturally sparked in me to do.
There is a level of feeling personally attacked that people feel if you’re not one to participate as often in the every day social connection. I can tell you that as someone who has FB and IG, the fact that I am not constantly liking posts, properly tagging people in pictures, commenting on life events be it minor or major, it has been talked about and brought to my attention. Only those who really know who I am understand that I am not one to be attached to hip to my phone. I could lose my phone and it’ll take me days before even going to the store to replace it because I could care less about having it. If it was not because everything in life is attached to my phone, I’d just as easily have a house line.
So, am I like this because I’ve been conditioned to be so after witnessing those around me do the same? Am I a product of my generation, where I became stuck to how easy things in life were before? Regardless, I know that relationships are important, and I am understanding that although I may not be the greatest at keeping up socially, I have to do a better job at it, even if it is in my own way. Connections are important and to maintain those connections you must put forth time and energy into them. Sure, you may not want to be measured against today’s social standards, but it is still important to show those you love that you do. It’s either invest the time and energy now while you have it or living a deafening life of loneliness and misery later.
Most of us adults absolutely hate time for its rapid passing. It’s easy to understand why since with every tic of that clock we progressively get older, eventually leading us to a state of non-physical existence. For me, with every moment that passes I see it as a transformation in its slowest form. Maybe I feel the way that I do because the kind of transformation I see is one of positivity and growth, yet sometimes this growth can be unexpected and painful. This is when we can become frustrated and impatient with what newness is to come no matter how grand the newness might be.
It’s been officially 2 weeks since I left my job. While at first, I was busy with plans, both exciting and stressful, I really had no time to think about the events that has transpired at work. Today I woke up a bit pissed off. Today was the first day that I actually thought to myself, “What the fuck happened and WHY?”
When I first began working for my boss, it was at a time when I was looking to make a little bit of extra cash without getting too serious about the work. At the time I was working for my boyfriend, and although it was going ok, I wanted to branch out and do something different. This was during the time of lock-down and its coming to an end. Businesses were opening but with stimulus checks still being dished out like hot cakes, no one was applying. It was on a random day after my sister arrived home from her job that she mentioned how incredibly short staffed they were in the kitchen and that they desperately needed help especially with summer right around the corner. I had no experience other than a couple short years of vocational culinary school under my belt, but as I always say, I’m always up for a new challenge, and so I interviewed.
It was the following week that I began my new job. I was only to work one day a week to start, which was perfect for me. I had told myself and everyone else that I wouldn’t be working there for too long, but that for the moment it was satisfying. It wasn’t long before this perfect little plan came crumbling down when it was almost immediately that my boss lost 2 other employees unexpectedly, increasing my shifts to one day a week to 4. It wasn’t soon after that, with the summer season in full swing that I was increased to full-time, 5 days a week shifts. I couldn’t help but feeling like a fish out of water, but in no time, I was keeping up and really excelling. My work was being executed much better than I imagined. I could feel how proud my boss was of me, which in turn gave me a boost of confidence and energy. With only a revolving door of people joining our team, it felt as though my boss and I were truly a 2 man show. We built a strong work relationship that turned into a family-ship, or so I thought.
I have always said how a in a year so much can change. Plans you thought you had cemented can fade away with the wave of the Universe’s hand, and in a blink of an eye, you become lost along your path. This is exactly what happened in my case. After a year of working for my company, I felt like a star. My boss and I had talks about future business plans. I felt like I had been gifted a role-model, someone to guide me on my financial journey. During slow times, we’d talk about stocks, investing, real estate, you name it. By this point he had hired a cousin of a family friend to work with us. He was what you would call your typical line cook. I won’t go into many details of the kind of person this was other than his struggles were heavily worn on his being, and although he was a chore to work alongside of, one couldn’t help but feel bad for the guy. Little did I know was that in time, I would be feeling sorry for myself.
To make a very long story short an entire evolution happened in that kitchen. This new hire created a different set of issues I never once saw coming. After him came quite a few new hires. Some didn’t stay longer than a training period. Some lasted a bit longer but not by much. All left because of this guy and his brash, unpredictable personality. Eventually, replacements came for those who quit, but instead of starting them alongside of this guy, my boss started them in what was known to be as my position at the time, and he moved me back with him. I was being demoted in the name of saving new hires. Now, I wasn’t told I was being demoted, no. Nor was it implied. It was made to seem as though I was moving up with just a little less of the responsibility, the responsibility that I grew to love, the responsibility I felt happily anchored to. It was like taking a genius from his advanced classes and tossing him into a special needs program. I was not being challenged therefore there was no passion anymore. I felt as though I was mainly babysitting this employee, being given menial duties, while those that got hired after me were being trained in sections of the job that I hadn’t even been taught yet. As time progressed, my inner spirit dimmed, and where before I couldn’t wait to get to work, for it at times was my saving grace from homelife, work soon became torture.
A month and a half, it took, before I put in my 2 weeks’ notice. It wasn’t even a choice but more of being pushed into a corner. When on one hand you can continue working in an unhappy work environment and on the other you’ve got the opportunity to leave in order to be happy, there is no choice in the matter. I chose happiness. What is so heartbreaking to me is that my boss never chose me. It was disappointing the first time I addressed my unhappiness to my boss and I barely felt the compassion. It was even more devastating when I decided to put in my notice and him not even once asking me if there was anything he could do to keep that from being the case. The only notation of him even remotely caring was his final text to me saying, “I’m sorry to see you go but you’ve got to do what’s best for you,” meanwhile, what I felt what was best for me was for him to not let me leave. Not one inquiry was made on my behalf as to why I was leaving. It was as if it was a hidden reality no one wanted to go into detail about. In total this person whom he chose over me had a tally of 4 employees quitting due to him, and my boss (ex-boss) was fine with keeping him. Had he not remembered all the time, effort, and dedication I put into that place? I guess not when you have new people coming in that are just as good as I was.
The slap in the face came a few days after I left. His wife, business partner, reached out to me to thank me for the time I gave them (insert huge eye roll here). I can appreciate a nice gesture as such, but to me this was the biggest load of boloney, and it was all coming out of the mouth of the person it shouldn’t have. Her main focal point is manning the front, not the kitchen. It would have been proper for my boss to have reached out and said something nice like that.
In all reality, I know my timer ran out for that job. I know that I was not meant to be a line cook forever, and that there are bigger and better opportunities waiting for me. I also know life doesn’t just close one door without leaving at least a window open for you. I may not have been mentally prepared for having to leave, but I did, and I am happy for my decision. What I wish was for a bit more compassion from the person who I grew to love like family. Sometimes we have to come to understand that it’s those very people who you build an unexpectedly tight bond with that are going to create the heartaches you so desperately try to avoid. Although this was a tough experience for me to go through, it does not tarnish my shine, nor do I feel stifled in allowing for new people and experiences to come in. I will forever try my hardest and push to do my best, not for anyone else but for myself, and when the time comes for the experience to end, I will show myself the gratitude and compassion that other’s I feel should have and did not. I’ll take this lesson and put it in my back pocket so that later on in life I don’t make the same mistakes that were made with me.
No matter how much some of us may practice awareness and staying present, we may not always manage to succeed at it. We are human and as a society we do tend at times to get lost in the day-to-day routine of life. Being more aware and remaining present allows for us to deal with things in our immediate moments of life without too much distraction, which also allows for us to see when the Universe is sending us a signal or when our intuition speaks to us. Yes, we may get preoccupied with things not so important, what really doesn’t matter, but I think most times we don’t see the signs because we don’t really want to believe they’re there.
“Give me a signal!” begs Bruce, a character played by Jim Carrey in the movie Bruce Almighty. It’s a line from one of my favorite scenes in the film, a scene that humorously depicts when life is flashing us warning signs, and we are just too caught up to notice. In this scene Bruce is driving on wet roads, asking God to give him a sign as to what to do in life. What he doesn’t notice is that literally every sign he comes across be it on a traffic sign or strapped to the back of a pickup truck, are all cautioning him, telling him to slow down. Out of frustration he then aggressively drives around the truck, only to then seconds later cause himself an accident, and this is of course the part where he becomes Bruce Almighty.
I’m currently going through a situation where for a couple of months now it has been pointed out to me one way or the other by the Universe that a certain chapter of my life was coming to a close. I didn’t want to see it, and so I didn’t. For almost 2 months I felt as though I was swimming upstream. Every day of my life I felt slighted in one way or another. I felt as though I wasn’t being utilized to my full potential and slowly resentment started building. Once that started, the law of attraction quickly took over and it was an inevitable cycle of misery. I was miserable because certain things in life weren’t aligning, and things weren’t aligning in my life because I was miserable. This was all coming after I felt life had slowly begun to settle down for me a bit. A fierce wind came and blew me off my feet, sending me into a tailspin of not knowing where exactly I belonged anymore.
In a moment of unease, I tend to take a few days to myself to feel it set in. I get a little depressed, lay around, and although I’d like to think I’m actually paying attention to what I put on the t.v screen before me, I know it’s just to truly space out. Eventually I snap out of it. I feel my way through the misery until I’m numb, but eventually I come to my senses and begin to do the inner work. This time I came to the conclusion that the reason I was struggling so much was because I simply wasn’t ready to move on. It seemed to me as though I had outgrown the situation. Once where there was an initial reason for me to be where I was, that reason was no longer there, and as the purpose slipped through my fingers, I couldn’t see any other to replace it. My compass had been chaotically pointing in one direction, yet I had been pushing towards holding on to the place I currently stood. The funny part of it all? It was a situation I knew would come to an end. There really was no “moving up”, and regardless, I had begun the journey more to help others than for myself. It had been a year and a half since then and it’s been about a year longer than I had anticipated.
I blame my ego for having such a hard time with seeing things for what they really are. I’m sure it is more about pride than anything else. I was being squeezed out and I just couldn’t let it happen because I hadn’t been the one to initiate it. It hadn’t been my idea, it just happened. As I stumbled through the realization of the role I’ve been playing in my own misery, I began to take control over what I could. I since then have opted out of being in a situation that no longer suits me. It would be foolish to continue to try to force it. I’m instead using the free time I’ll now have to pursue other interests that have long since been on my mind and never had the time to. I’m taking this change as a real blessing, an answered prayer, a moment to utilize my time to further my interests and passions. I must take advantage because it’s not every day where people can find themselves in such a lucky situation… and realize it.
Natal Galvan 
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