a deeper lesson

Co-Dep Relapse

~ Natal Galvan

I’d kill to see my old therapist again. Let me just add this is definitely a figure of speech. I’ve never kill anyone to see my old therapist again, but as the saying goes to express, I do miss her.

Codependency relapse. It only took me about 9 years but I’ve slowly been slipping back into those self-destructive ways. I’m becoming a people pleaser once again, putting everyone else first instead of my own happiness. I’ve been finding it so difficult to say “no” when every cell in my body is screaming out what I really want to do. What are my goals? What do I really want?

As of late, I’ve been finding hidden, stolen moments of “me” time. It’s currently the best way to fill my cup back up without offending anyone. It’s crazy how in even that I’m too much of a (beep) to even tell those closest to me that I need alone time. Why? If anything they should be the ones I could care less about lying to because they’re the ones who know me the best. Well, because of exactly that, they know me best, and therefore I can’t muster up the courage to stand up for myself. So instead, I’ve been suckered into caring too much about others and their s*** to have time to care about my own.

I sit here wanting to regain what I’ve slowly let go of, which is why I imagine what it would be like to sit with my old therapist again. She was a gem of a lady and I know she would be looking at me with a slight grin, wondering why I havent been applying all that she once taught me. It’s hard to not fall back into old ways when you dont have someone who knows better guiding you. In only 12 short sessions she changed my entire thought process around. I guess I should be happy that it took 9 years to regress a bit. Regardless, I live in Jersey now and she’s in Florida. I would know how to look for her for a hopeful Zoom meeting even if I wanted to.

This is when it is time to do the work myself. I need to remind myself of the tools I was once given and I must put them to use if I want to get back to who I was before moving back. It was easier back then when Ilibed in Florida and didnt live around many people I was really close to. Moving away from home and making friends made it easy to be my authentic self without much guilt, therefore it was easy to break free from the chains of codependency. Being home, among everyone I grew up with, it’s hard for me to really place myself first. I’m struggling hard with this, and in the process I’m beginning to lose much of what I managed to work so inwardly hard for. My inner work is what I value most at this stage in my life and there isn’t anything that I want to mess that up because in doing so, I’d be taking a huge leap back. That’s a leap I refuse take.

Duh, Idiot! Let Go!

~ Natal Galvan

I was going over my range of feelings on my way to work today. With all of the unexpectedness that has been going on in my life, complete random s*** that has been throwing me slightly off, I’ve been thrown off kilter yet I still managed to regain my footing. At first I was thinking how much the universe has been loving toying around with me lately. Like if it were some huge kid poking me with a twig to see what I’d do. But my thinking was so off about that. Here’s what I mean, I read my own tarot cards. I follow my own spiritual advisor (or two). I do a lot of inner work. As of late I have been receiving signs pretty much telling me that I need to let go, I need to move towards the path of least resistance, just go with the flow. Although I swore I thought that I already was, my mind was playing tricks on me. I wasn’t. I realized on my way to work today that the universe is throwing me all of these twists and turns because it’s forcing me to let go of control. The universe is trying to force me to let go of everything and just let it all be. It’s strange to realize when you’ve been missing such an obvious message. You feel foolish by not seeing it. In reality when you are so close to the situation how could you see it? That’s like standing nose to screen to the TV and expecting to see the whole picture. So I got the message loud and clear. I know that my life is about to go in some crazy new direction. I can feel it. The vibes are there, the air is thick with the newness. Hence all of the disruption in what my normal day to day is. It’s because of all this newness that my old routine must change. During times of evolving one must always check and get rid of the old. So instead of me trying to control even the small things I am literally putting my feet up, leaning back, and not doing a damn thing. I am just going to be here to receive and to be open to all opportunities that will be thrown my way.

Inner Work

~ Natal Galvan

It’s been over a decade that I’ve been working on myself from the inside out. From exercising shadow work to learning new spiritual practicies, I’ve taken a lot of time in getting to know myself as much as possible. In my honest opinion, it’s what truly matters most, enhancing the inside. My journey has had its up as well as downs of course, but it has all been more than well worth it.

I am one to always embrace change and love evolving. It amazes me when I come across questions, reflective questions that really make me dig deep within myself, questions that I feel like I should automatically know the answer to because I’m dealing with myself, but yet, I don’t even have the faintest idea of what the answer truly is. It could take me days to answer a question that is posed upon me. I find that fascinating. What is even more so, are always the answers because they’re never the initial answer that I start with. As I continue digging, the real underlying answers arise, and that’s where the truth of the matter is really embedded.

It started with a small article on finances and how to work on money blocks which led me into a rabbit hole of, well, myself really. Everyday can give you a slight nudge into self discovery you’re open to it. Tonight’s nudge led me into a day dream of future deliciousness to be had. All it takes is a dream, a thought, to produce enough momentum to achieve what you want. It’s really as easy as that.

Contemplation Station

~ Natal Galvan

All I’ve really been doing the last couple of months is contemplating. I think about everything. I think about where I was a year ago, or 5 years ago. I think about the people I have met along the way, and have also lost within this process called life. I mourn the loss of those who are still alive but are no longer with us. I think about certain things that I would never even think twice about before. Like, why I’ve gone to the beach more since moving back to New Jersey then I did the entire time it was living in Florida. I find myself wondering how I have gotten into a stagnant routine or which I’m constantly craving more for myself but yet can’t take steps towards changing certain things in order to get the ball rolling my direction. I think about how I’ve gotten in my own way, and although I would love to blame this pandemic, I can only truly blame myself. I think about how my passions such as writing and painting have taken a back seat to drinking and thinking. I guess the silver lining to all of this is that at least I’m thinking.

A COV(ert)ID Silverlining

~ Natal Galvan

When all of this “virus” chatter began, I will admit that I wasn’t fully convinced at the gravity of it all. I blame our government and media outlets for that. They have broken my trust on many levels, so pardon me that it took me some time to believe what was being said. Lucky for me I learned at a young age to look outside of mainstream media sources and to dig deeper when seeking out the truth. Slowly I began to ingest what was truly going on and instead of brushing it off as, once again, another media-driven hysteria, I began to heed what was being warned. For me, it went from being “virus” chatter to serious virus talk.

I am currently on day 8 of our “official” lockdown and although I have been able to see friends and family periodically, it was only in the last three days that I have chosen to completely isolate myself, and not for the reasons that you may think. 

Amid all the calamity this virus has brought to our front doors, I’d like to think of all this as a necessary evil for society and what’s left of this starving planet Earth.

I might get shit for calling this pandemic a “necessary evil”. How could I say such a thing when so many people have died? But like a war, a battle being fought for the greater good, it has its deaths by the thousands of the guilty and of the innocent alike; it is exactly that, war. This type of war, however, isn’t to bring together land and eradicate manmade borders. This war is an internal war, not only physically but spiritually and emotionally. It’s a war to remind us of where we came from. It’s a war for time, because humanity needed time. Humanity needed a break from it all.

The last three days have been filled with a lot of self-reflection. I’ve been taking a look inside myself, asking myself questions, and having discussions that I should’ve had long ago. I limited my T.V time and within the silence, I have found sparks of creativity. I’m able to connect with nature better and I even feel as though the Universe speaks to me louder and more clearly without all the every day static I had grown conditioned to. I have learned to be a little more resourceful and a lot less wasteful. I’ve become more aware of the immediate things I must change to improve who I am.  I’ve become aware of the things I will gradually give up in order to live my version of a better life.

Some people end up finding themselves while lost at sea. Some find themselves after veering off track and getting lost in the wilderness. We have been given the chance to find ourselves within the confines (and comfort) of our own home. We have been given that extra bit of vacation time. We have been given the chance to learn from crisis hoarders, that greed leads you nowhere other than to the land of Overloaded and Nowhere To Store It.  We have been given extra time with our family, with our pets, with our crafts. We have been given the space to work on ourselves; the time to detox from everything that has been pumped into our senses.

I have read that for us here in the U.S it’s only going to get worse before it gets better. I also hear that “getting better” still means that we’re going to be set back about a decade.  Whether any of that is true or not, I don’t know. We’ll call it what it is, speculation. I say that if at the end of all of this there is more genuine happiness within homes all around the world, genuine happiness within our own home, and with one’s self than I’ll pay that price. In the end, we are all going to be going through it together and there is comfort in that. This is a covert opportunity to change humanity in wonderful ways if only we begin to choose love before greed. We have the ability to rebuild a stronger and better world by going through such adversity together. I wish that through all if this social distancing and social isolation, after all the souls who have passed on because of this virus, we end up choosing to do good to one another.

“We will have suffered together, we will have fought through it together, and we will overcome together.”