Contemplation Station

All I’ve really been doing the last couple of months is contemplating. I think about everything. I think about where I was a year ago, or 5 years ago. I think about the people I have met along the way, and have also lost within this process called life. I mourn the loss of those who are still alive but are no longer with us. I think about certain things that I would never even think twice about before. Like, why I’ve gone to the beach more since moving back to New Jersey then I did the entire time it was living in Florida. I find myself wondering how I have gotten into a stagnant routine or which I’m constantly craving more for myself but yet can’t take steps towards changing certain things in order to get the ball rolling my direction. I think about how I’ve gotten in my own way, and although I would love to blame this pandemic, I can only truly blame myself. I think about how my passions such as writing and painting have taken a back seat to drinking and thinking. I guess the silver lining to all of this is that at least I’m thinking.

Dating Miss. Independent

I am 31 and still very single.

I won’t say that it bothers me in the least bit.

Dating isn’t easy. Can we even really call it enjoyable? Don’t get me wrong, I am not jaded. What I am is realistic and although dating is more times fun than not, I wouldn’t consider it entirely enjoyable. The process can be exhausting from meeting someone, to having to get ready to go on dates, to later meeting his friends and family, to then establishing some sort of compromising routine so that all parties involved are at least equally as happy. I mean, breaking it down like this and who really wants to go dating?

Try doing all of that while being highly independent and the dating world suddenly gets even murkier. That’s what I’ve always gone through, and even though I still tend to jump right in, it doesn’t take me very long to quickly get back out.

The unknown typically doesn’t make a person like myself very comfortable. Funny thing because independent people tend to go adventuring into the unknown but only because of our curiosity and uncomfortability with it; the unknown usually driving us to wanting to know more. Relationships are a huge unknown. Although many would like to constantly express their trust and comfortability within their relationship, no one can be 100% sure because we all know that in life, anything can happen. With that said no wonder we independents find comfort in the walls that we built around our hearts, letting only a countless few in. An average man who desires the independent woman’s heart, can’t even see beyond that wall.

Men tend to always crack me up. In conversations with the male counterpart I often hear that an important quality that they look for in a woman is that she be independent. Later on they meet one and before you know it the relationship is over and it is because of her independent ways that didn’t sit well with them. It’s one example of how sometimes what we think we want in another person isn’t exactly what we may need.

An independent woman won’t be that girl waiting by the phone for his phone call. She will most definitely not be the “doormat” type of girlfriend. She is picky and why shouldn’t she be? Forever is a long time so she’s got a long list of traits she wants because she is ambitious even when it comes to her love life. Although we love to love and crave that emotional availability and companionship with another, we won’t bend for just anyone because for most of us, we have been living a life for so long on our own that we have even built a metaphysical wall around our hearts; just another safety precaution to help us get through this crazy life. Most of us ‘Miss. Independents’ have faced life challenges with a courageous heart and yes, we have overcome a lot yet there is still a fear of failure that lingers on, just like with everyone else. Independents are typically strong and know much about themselves and this can be intimidating for many men. Hence why it takes someone very secure with themselves to be with an independent and will have no problem standing behind their partner when support is needed. A man who is a ball of mush will never be able to hold the attention of a strong woman because it shows her that he will never be able to give her the stability she needs.

Most men tend to want to be that knight in shinning armor aiding in the rescue of his damsel in distress. When he begins dating an Independent woman, his entire game is thrown for a loop. An Independent isn’t looking to date you in order to feel financially secure, which is the foot many men want to begin to lead with, and even though Independent women aren’t necessarily more financially successful, they still won’t seek or accept offerings.

An independent woman will respect a man who is the type to plan their dates and romances her, is chivalrous to her and respectful towards others; a man who will take the reins when need be. She respects the man who maintains an independent social life apart of the one they share together because for an independent woman, alone time is key. A man who lives his own life alongside hers and doesn’t intertwine the two is a major plus. If he is possessive, overbearing, or tends to come on too strong that will be the perfect repellent to keep this kind of girl at bay. She is anti-clingy and so she will never be the woman who will be obsessed with your looks and who will be continously feeding your ego. Simply put you are a part of her life and not her entire life. She is a big advocate on each person keeping their own serperate identity when also building one as a unit. For her it isn’t about not wanting to bend to his ways but more so keeping who she has worked so hard to become. When she meets that man who is willing to invest in doing the things that make her her without a fight, she is loyal to a fault because of its rareity.

Independent women tend to always give off the “I’m fine” vibe. It is almost second nature for us. Even though we cherish our independence we also know that it can get in our way of our asking for help when we needed. Strong communication is important in general but more so with an Independent. Communicaton is not only when it comes to verbally speaking or listening, but it is also interpretation. It’s importnat to listen to what she doesn’t say because what she isn’t saying can speak volumes.

Guys, dating an independent woman isn’t easy. Like any other relationship it can most definitely be a bumpy ride but one that will be 100% worth it. An independent woman has a clear idea of who she is and what she wants and if you’re the kind of man who knows himself and feels comfortable in speaking up about and desires and limits, this relationship will be rewarding.

My advice to you is to be patient, be yourself, and always enjoy the ride.

flAweD.

I forget birthdays and I’m horribly bad with names.

It’s very difficult for me to fake sincerity. For me to have to pretend to like someone is almost damn near impossible. Don’t get me wrong civility is there but that’s the extent of it.

I never anger without reason. It’s difficult to get me angry, but once you get me to that place, I wish you luck in getting me through it. If anger makes its way into my being it will take root and it will stay for a while.

Although I’m working on my stubbornness, I am still very stubborn. If I truly believe in something, it will be very hard for anyone to change my mind. This goes for all areas in life, love, anything with fact or opinion.

I am at times a procrastinator and when I am alone, I can be unbelievably lazy.

Overthinking can be a hobby of mine although lately I have been working hard to calm those negative inner voices.

I laugh when people fall.

I can be unbelievably sarcastic and passive aggressive.

I have almost no will power when it comes to saying “no” to something I really want to do, even if it can be hazardous.

On the inside, I get high anxiety when it comes to having to socialize with people I don’t know, while on the outside I can look as cool as a cucumber and even come off as confident.

I laugh uncontrollably when I’m nervous. Either that or I fidget with my hands.

Sometimes I can get a little jealous if someone can do something really cool that I can’t.

I internalize my problems and always seem to portray a sunny disposition even if I’m sad as all hell on the inside.

I sometimes care too much about what other people may think about me. This goes hand in hand with my co-dependency.

Sometimes I can curse a little too much.

At this point in my life, I trust no one.

I’ve got split ends and blackheads.

By looking at my hands you can tell I’ve been working all of my life. Contrary to the soft dainty hands I’m “supposed” to have for a girl.

I’ve got a light mustache that I have to Nair once every other month. Thank You, dark Latina genes, thank you. But what fucking ever. At least I don’t have sideburns and crazy hairy ass cheeks.

I’m starting to suffer from grey hair and skin tags.

I could have slightly bigger boobs and a slightly thicker ass… WTF happened Latina genes??!! (But I’m not really sure I would call these flaws) And the size of my double chin depends on my mood or temperament.

I’m so far from perfect but I’m grateful for this. I look at these “flaws” and realize they are what makes me different from every body else. My unique set of flaws, along with my unique set of positive traits, creates the inner contents of a special package. It’s tightly wrapped in a strong, flesh-like shell, that holds and protects a special and completely unique being. No one else has been made with these very same ingredients that it took to make me. I stare at these “flaws” listed here right in front of my face, and I smile at them for they are not flaws. They’re not some bad ingredient that you find on the back of food packaging, for instance, like high fructose corn syrup. They are misunderstood.

As cliche as this sounds, without these flaws I wouldn’t be me. Without them I wouldn’t have the good qualities that I do, or at least they wouldn’t be obvious. Without flaws there wouldn’t be beautiful life lessons to be learned or experiences to be had. We would be walking around in a perception of perfection which would allow no room for living and learning. A complete waste this life would be, for that is the exact reason we come here to this realm of living, to live and learn.

I not only accept my flaws but expose them to the world. I believe that if we embraced our “bad” traits  we would end up truly loving ourselves more so than if we just accepted our good traits. I mean, that is what true love is, isn’t it? Having the ability to look past a person’s flaws and accept them exactly as who they are? Wouldn’t it be amazing to have that love for yourself, not just hoping to one day experience it for someone else? You have the ability to experience that Love everyone desires to find. Experience it with yourself first because there is no better person to give you that unconditional love than YOU.

In experiencing that Love for yourself, in accepting those flaws, you’ll discover a completely different world. A world where you have no fear to say the things you feel or think. A world in which you can freely act the way you feel and simply be who you are, without doubting yourself or questioning how others may perceive you. A world in which you accept and love yourself without limitations or conditions.  To have this Love for yourself means that you will have the ability to truly love others openly and that is Love in its purest form.

I bare my flaws and praise them because I accept them for what they are and in turn love myself for who I am because of them. I urge you to allow yourself to do the same because everyone deserves a little true love ❤

 

 

Buzzing It

It’ Friday morning and I’m ready to get going. Even though I barely got enough sleep last night, I shoot out of bed, pumped to get the day started. Anytime I have something exciting planned I get the jitters like a kid when they know they’re going to Six Flags. The morning of my tattoo appointment is always intense for me. I try to eat a good meal, hydrate, and gather my thoughts. You’d think I was getting ready to go into an intense competition of some sort. I even stretch for goodness sake. But going into a 3-4 hour tattoo session truly is no joke. I believe one should always prepare.

For someone who has their entire back and both upper arms totally covered, and a couple other pieces scattered elsewhere, you’d think I’d be used to this. You’re totally wrong. Right before I pull on that door and walk into the shop, even on my drive over, I am in high anxiety mode. I know what to expect and the anticipation is borderline maddening. It truly isn’t until I sit in the seat and he presses those needles into my skin that I finally relax.

People tend to ask me the same questions when it comes to getting tatted, one of the more frequently being, “Doesn’t it hurt?” which then it automatically is followed by a, “How do you tolerate the pain?”  How do I reply?? Easy.

I say if you have ever had something emotionally tragic happen to you in your life, it could be death of a loved one, a break up, getting fired, ect, all things people suffer through at one point or another in their lifetime, that kind of pain is so much greater than any tattoo has ever felt for me. I can easily deal with this kind of pain. It hurts but it’s a tolerable hurt. What’s even better? You KNOW that at some point it WILL be over. It’s tolerable and predictable. Hell. I can even go as far as saying that this kind of hurt you can stop at any point when you feel like it’s too much to bare (weenies.. JK jk). So does it hurt? Yes, it does, but this hurt I can deal with. It’s one of the easiest of hurts you could ever go through in life and it’s a hurt that looks good on you. Well… if done right 😉

“Why do you do it?” I say that’s another frequently asked question that plagues the minds of many who just cannot seem to understand. “Well, why do you do anything that you like to do? The answer lies right in the question itself. Simply, because one likes to do it. I enjoy the entire process of tattooing. From collaborating with the artist in coming up with a new design, to selecting a location, to placing the stencil, hearing the buzzes from the gun when they’re making sure it’s running smooth, feeling my skin get pumped with ink, and then… voila! The final product. I truly do enjoy it all.

As I write this, I laugh because you can ask me questions like, “What do you see yourself doing in the next 5 years?” or “What are your career goals?” or “What kind of man do you want to one day marry?” I cannot give you a definite answer. I change my mind about most things as often as I change underwear. One day I like this. The next day I’m like screw this I like that. I can love something for years and wake one day and be like “Pffffft. I’m over you.” It happened to me with taquitos and caramel squares. I can’t stand even the sight of them anymore. But for some reason, tattoos? That’s a different story. I love each and everyone of them. From the very first one I ever got over ten years ago, to my latest, I have never regretted one. Good thing too. Because did you know they were permanent? <— Another question I get asked often (there are people full of bad jokes out there)

So here I go. A bowl of fruit, two slices of toast, two glasses of water, a mile run, and an after shower meditation session later, and I’m off to another body art appointment. But before I go, allow me to leave you with a little bit of brain food. Tattoos, whether you like them or not, can serve for a wonderful analogy for in life everything you do, you should think about it as if you were getting a tattoo.

Life. When it comes to living it, would you rather pick a generic piece off the wall? Or custom designing your very own?

I say that’s a pretty good one, no?

It’s the weekend baby! It’s time to start buzzin’ it.

1391292_1062733273746436_1714794071_n  Photo Credit: Nata Galvan, Muse: Natal Galvan, John N.