awareness

Go With The Signs

~ Natal Galvan

No matter how much some of us may practice awareness and staying present, we may not always manage to succeed at it. We are human and as a society we do tend at times to get lost in the day-to-day routine of life. Being more aware and remaining present allows for us to deal with things in our immediate moments of life without too much distraction, which also allows for us to see when the Universe is sending us a signal or when our intuition speaks to us. Yes, we may get preoccupied with things not so important, what really doesn’t matter, but I think most times we don’t see the signs because we don’t really want to believe they’re there.

“Give me a signal!” begs Bruce, a character played by Jim Carrey in the movie Bruce Almighty. It’s a line from one of my favorite scenes in the film, a scene that humorously depicts when life is flashing us warning signs, and we are just too caught up to notice. In this scene Bruce is driving on wet roads, asking God to give him a sign as to what to do in life. What he doesn’t notice is that literally every sign he comes across be it on a traffic sign or strapped to the back of a pickup truck, are all cautioning him, telling him to slow down. Out of frustration he then aggressively drives around the truck, only to then seconds later cause himself an accident, and this is of course the part where he becomes Bruce Almighty.

I’m currently going through a situation where for a couple of months now it has been pointed out to me one way or the other by the Universe that a certain chapter of my life was coming to a close. I didn’t want to see it, and so I didn’t. For almost 2 months I felt as though I was swimming upstream. Every day of my life I felt slighted in one way or another. I felt as though I wasn’t being utilized to my full potential and slowly resentment started building. Once that started, the law of attraction quickly took over and it was an inevitable cycle of misery. I was miserable because certain things in life weren’t aligning, and things weren’t aligning in my life because I was miserable. This was all coming after I felt life had slowly begun to settle down for me a bit. A fierce wind came and blew me off my feet, sending me into a tailspin of not knowing where exactly I belonged anymore.

In a moment of unease, I tend to take a few days to myself to feel it set in. I get a little depressed, lay around, and although I’d like to think I’m actually paying attention to what I put on the t.v screen before me, I know it’s just to truly space out. Eventually I snap out of it. I feel my way through the misery until I’m numb, but eventually I come to my senses and begin to do the inner work. This time I came to the conclusion that the reason I was struggling so much was because I simply wasn’t ready to move on. It seemed to me as though I had outgrown the situation. Once where there was an initial reason for me to be where I was, that reason was no longer there, and as the purpose slipped through my fingers, I couldn’t see any other to replace it. My compass had been chaotically pointing in one direction, yet I had been pushing towards holding on to the place I currently stood. The funny part of it all? It was a situation I knew would come to an end. There really was no “moving up”, and regardless, I had begun the journey more to help others than for myself. It had been a year and a half since then and it’s been about a year longer than I had anticipated.

I blame my ego for having such a hard time with seeing things for what they really are. I’m sure it is more about pride than anything else. I was being squeezed out and I just couldn’t let it happen because I hadn’t been the one to initiate it. It hadn’t been my idea, it just happened. As I stumbled through the realization of the role I’ve been playing in my own misery, I began to take control over what I could. I since then have opted out of being in a situation that no longer suits me. It would be foolish to continue to try to force it. I’m instead using the free time I’ll now have to pursue other interests that have long since been on my mind and never had the time to. I’m taking this change as a real blessing, an answered prayer, a moment to utilize my time to further my interests and passions. I must take advantage because it’s not every day where people can find themselves in such a lucky situation… and realize it.

Duh, Idiot! Let Go!

~ Natal Galvan

I was going over my range of feelings on my way to work today. With all of the unexpectedness that has been going on in my life, complete random s*** that has been throwing me slightly off, I’ve been thrown off kilter yet I still managed to regain my footing. At first I was thinking how much the universe has been loving toying around with me lately. Like if it were some huge kid poking me with a twig to see what I’d do. But my thinking was so off about that. Here’s what I mean, I read my own tarot cards. I follow my own spiritual advisor (or two). I do a lot of inner work. As of late I have been receiving signs pretty much telling me that I need to let go, I need to move towards the path of least resistance, just go with the flow. Although I swore I thought that I already was, my mind was playing tricks on me. I wasn’t. I realized on my way to work today that the universe is throwing me all of these twists and turns because it’s forcing me to let go of control. The universe is trying to force me to let go of everything and just let it all be. It’s strange to realize when you’ve been missing such an obvious message. You feel foolish by not seeing it. In reality when you are so close to the situation how could you see it? That’s like standing nose to screen to the TV and expecting to see the whole picture. So I got the message loud and clear. I know that my life is about to go in some crazy new direction. I can feel it. The vibes are there, the air is thick with the newness. Hence all of the disruption in what my normal day to day is. It’s because of all this newness that my old routine must change. During times of evolving one must always check and get rid of the old. So instead of me trying to control even the small things I am literally putting my feet up, leaning back, and not doing a damn thing. I am just going to be here to receive and to be open to all opportunities that will be thrown my way.

Knowledge of What’s Around You

~ Natal Galvan

Awareness. It’s not a skill many people have. I would go as far as to call it a gift because for some I don’t think it could be taught. It is something so common and present, because awareness just is, yet most of your everyday people don’t seem to grasp it, let alone execute it.

In a society in which we are continously moving from one thing to the next, all of which is selfishly acted upon, how could one be aware if the only focal point is that of yourself? Now don’t get me wrong I believe in being selfish. I believe that because people aren’t selfish enough, that is why we find so much anxiety, depression, stress, and inadequacy among people today. But one can be selfish and still be aware. I do believe that awareness will not only give you a bit of a leg up in life in some cases, but will also help avoid unwanted situations. Not to mention people have a level of respect for those who are aware.

Countless frustrating situations could be completely avoided if at least one person would have been aware in any given situation. By being unaware you’re more at risk to find yourself in an unpleasant situation, not only for yourself but others as well. It has the potential to help us through even during the most mundane of events, to those that are more life altering. By being present and aware, we are able to maneuver around life with a bit more ease.

To bring a bit more awareness into my life I took up meditation, and although thats been a bit of a struggle, I can already see a difference in myself and how I handle most situations. Since I’ve been working hard on that, I now see it more often the lack that there is of it within my peers. It’s not my journey to go around preaching the power of awareness. Not at this time anyways. I myself am a student still diving into these lessons, but one cant help to naturally notice that there is a lack of it in society. It’s not heartbreaking. Like I mentioned earlier, everyone has their own journey and we are each at various different stages in our growing process. I have faith that little by little the world is awakening to new ways of thought and in that, they’ll unlock their own sense of awareness.

Bottoms Up. Lights Out

~ Natal Galvan

It was like I had suddenly woken up from a century long slumber. When I say suddenly, I mean suddenly. It was like a loud mental crack back into reality. My eyes took a while to open for they felt to me as if they were swollen shut and to be quite honest my body felt like a sack of cement. My eyes roamed around but nothing to me looked at all familiar. My surroundings seemed and felt odd. I simply felt completely out of place. I slowly tried to sit up but could only prop myself up onto my elbows, I was feeling extremely groggy. I looked around the room,  a pale blue color covered the walls surrounding me. I was in some sort of hotel room it felt like. The area of the room that I was in was covered in very tacky beach decor with shells and flamingos dancing all over the place. I was on a hard couch and directly in front of me stood a balcony with its doors completely open. The white sheer curtains danced in the breeze and if it wasn’t for the fact that fear was slowly gripping me around my throat, it all would have seemed almost peaceful. I was definitely in a hotel room but who’s? I could faintly hear the ocean roaring in the distance, seagulls adding to nature’s acoustics. The sudden voices coming from behind me made me jerk around to see who and where it was coming from. 

This was my initial reaction to waking up in an unknown place with absolutely no memory of how I got there. Although I had tried to forget about this, it all came rushing back when I was watching the news today.

A good looking couple from California have made headlines after being caught drugging and raping unsuspecting women. The pair would hit the streets in search of victims, charming them, drugging them, and then leading them back to their private office to have their way with them. Over 1,000 videos were found on both of the suspect’s phones allowing authorities to believe that there are many more victims than just the two that have come forward.  The two suspects deny any such allegations and are currently out on bail.

These two were not the couple that drugged and raped me, but they might as well be.

I will never forget the duo who charmed me into inviting them to hang out with my co-workers and I one evening after work. It was about 10 pm and I had just finished my night shift at the restaurant. I had decided to wait for my co-workers at a local bar right in between our place of employment and where I lived. I sat alone at a table for six. The bar was busy with tourists. By this time most seemed drunk and those that weren’t yet would be soon getting there. The live band playing had a crowd on the dance floor and I was soaking up the good vibes while I waited. It wasn’t long before I was approached by a pretty girl and her boyfriend. They were visiting from Ohio, a quick getaway for the couple who wanted a break from their hectic family life. They were both beautiful people. She had shoulder length  shiny, black hair and ice blue eyes. He reminded me of a golden boy, with a gorgeous sun kissed tan, light brown eyes, and short golden locks that framed his face. When she approached me initially she asked if I mined if the two  could sit down at the table with me until my friends arrived and of course, me not wanting to be rude, said yes.

From that point on the entire night was anything but normal. Looking back on it, I should have suspected that something was about to go terribly wrong because of the fact that things weren’t panning out as they normally would have. Back then though, a switch of scene and people added a much needed excitement to my life. I, however, was not prepared for, nor wanted, the kind of excitement that was getting ready to present itself.

As we waited for my friends to get out of work, this girl and I were chatting away. She asked me what it was like living in a touristy spot and about my tattoos. I asked her what sort of hectic life her and her boyfriend were trying to vacation away from. We chatted and it seemed natural. I was pleased to have found company while I waited. Her boyfriend offered to buy us a round of beers. I ordered a Miller Light but for some reason I was not in the mood for too much drinking, so I babysat that bottle until my co-worker’s arrival. Introductions were barely made when the couple asked if there was a strip club in the area. They were looking to spice up their last night out on the beach,

“What a more perfect way to end our vacation than with some ass and titties!” He shouted, overly excited. She seemed a bit embarrassed by his question but there was a slight flicker in her eyes that gave way to her also wanting in on this type of fun. One of my co-workers mentioned the low quality strip joint located right before the bridge before heading out on the island and offered to drive us all if the couple paid for his beers, and just like that, we all ended up piling into his SUV driving out to Fantasy’s.

At this point, I was only one beer in and not really wanting to head to the strip joint. I had been there a coupe times with friends before and it wasn’t anything to write home about. It was small and dingy. The girls are a reminder of sadness and instead of enticing a good time all they stir up in you in an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and pity. I wasn’t motivated but I also didn’t want to go home. I wanted a night out with friends and if that meant heading to Fantasy’s for  bit then I would suck it up and go.  It wasn’t more than 15 mins after arriving at the strip joint that things took a turn, which would then land me in this couple’s hotel room, naked, vulnerable, and with no sense of what had happened to me.

We arrived and immediately everyone headed towards the bar to get their first drink, everyone but me that is. I still wasn’t in the mood to have a drink, which for everyone who knows me that’s not in my normal character. I am not sure why I wasn’t in the mood to drink that night. I’d like to think that maybe my subconscious knew that there was something dangerous lurking right around the corner. No matter the reason, I didn’t heed the warning. My friends questioned why I wasn’t drinking and I remember telling them, “Not yet. In a bit I’ll order something..” I felt like I just wanted to be alert for a little longer. I really wish I would have stood my ground when the couple approached me with a shot.

“Cheers! To the three of us! Here’s is to unexpected new friends and a wild night!” That was his speech and although I found it a bit out there, I took my glass and clinked it with theirs.

“Bottoms up!” She said and from that point on, my night a blur, then ended with lights out.

The rest of the evening I can only recall in small bits and pieces. I do not remember leaving the strip club although I was told that we stayed there for about 45 mins. A co-worker informed me that I didn’t want to leave and had even given a wad of cash to one of the dancing girls after she told me a story about her and her kid “just trying to survive.” My memory only holds a picture of the club and then all of the sudden, we are back at the same bar we had all previously met up at. I vaguely remember feeling extremely tired and wanting to go home. I was told that at this point I had told the others that I was going to the bathroom and that I had gotten up to leave stumbling on my way out and never returning. For my friends, it was not unusual for me to disappear like that. I have always hated good-byes and so when I am ready to go home I make my way out using one excuse or another and simply disappearing. What was unusual for them was the fact that I seemed overly intoxicated even though I had only had a beer and a shot. That was not normal for me. I’ve always been known to handle my alcohol so that did raise  few eyebrows, but not enough for anyone to assume that something was wrong.

A couple minuets after me leaving for the “bathroom” the new couple said their good-byes and disappeared into the night.

I have no idea how things transpired from here on out. Considering I have no memory of even leaving my friends behind at the bar, I for sure have no clue how it was that I ran into this couple while on my journey home. My next snapshot of the night is of me in their hotel room standing out on the balcony but barely able to hold myself up. The next snapshot is of me sitting on the bed and the girl playing with my hair. After that? Nothing.

I woke up the next morning feeling like I had been hit by a semi-truck. It took me a few seconds to muster up the energy to sit up and look around and that’s when I discovered the severity of my situation. I was completely naked  barely wrapped up in only a thin bed sheet. I was laying on the couch and when I looked around the room that’s when I saw the couple, each laying on the bed sprawled out and also naked. At that very moment I was overwhelmed with many emotions, embarrassment, violated, bewilderment, sadness, guilt. But before being able to fully ingest all that I was feeling, all I wanted to do was to get out.  I quickly got up and quietly gathered my things. I grabbed my purse, my clothes, my phone and snuck into their bathroom to get dressed. It wasn’t until I put  my shoes on that I felt dread. My work shoes were severely scuffed, the soles of both shoes peeling away  the tops as if I had been dragged.

I left their bathroom and headed towards the door not once looking back. It was as if I just couldn’t bring myself to see the reality of my situation. I exited the room and soon realized I was only two blocks away from my home. I walked the two blocks in a fog. I felt bruised all over. My arms had bruises running from underneath my armpits all the way down to my wrists. My legs felt like lead. I felt soreness on both sides of my rib cage.

Once I arrived at my apartment, completely drained, I collapsed on my bed and slept for hours. It wasn’t until I woke up at almost 5 pm that I really was able to dissect the situation and try to understand what had happened to me. My body felt like a sack of bruised potatoes and that immediately brought tears to my eyes because with how I felt, how could I not remember what had happened to me? I immediately headed to my local walk-in clinic and after explaining what I had gone through got tested on any possible STD out there. The sorrow in the physician’s eyes should have been comforting but instead it made me feel ten times worse. It was at this point, when sitting on the medical table getting swabbed and blood work done, that I looked down and saw on my left wrist a beaded pink bracelet. It was the same bracelet that the girl had on the night before and here I was wearing it, undeniable proof as to what transpired the night before. I still have the bracelet to this day. I’m not sure why I kept it but it is put away in a jewelry box, a small reminder to always stay on alert.

Once I arrived back home from the clinic I messaged my sister and told her somewhat of what happened. I kept out the part of me waking up naked and seeing the couple sprawled out on the bed, also bare. My mother still doesn’t know. I’m sure that soon she will read this and her heart will be broken into a billion little pieces. I was also seriously dating someone at the time and although I did tell him what happened, I also left out the details of how I woke up and what I believed really happened. Do I think they would have negatively judged me? Not really, but I do believe that in their mind I maybe asked for it by putting myself in the situation when befriending the strange couple.

Now that this incident is over a year old, I am ready to talk honestly about the situation and what happened to me where as before I had no strength to do so. The level of guilt and embarrassment one feels when something like this happens to you is something no one is really prepared to talk about. It is almost as if one would rather sew up the lips than to ever utter a detail, and the feeling of reliving it all over again through speech is terrifying.

When I came across the news headline of the couple in California who were going around doing what was done to me to others, ice ran through my veins. All of the emotions I had bottled up and stored away came rushing back and my heart truly went out to the women affected by such trauma.

Sadly, our cases aren’t unique or seldom. What happened to us happens everyday to countless women and men alike. I feel as though one of the biggest mistakes we commit as a society is to cover up any situation that doesn’t seem ideal. We don’t really talk about the dangers that lurk around every corner and if we do, we speak of it as though it could never happen to us, making it that much more difficult to speak about when it does. One shouldn’t feel embarrassed or guilty after going through something like this and it is society that makes us feel this way. Being honest and speaking up over such monumental occurrences is what will allow for healing as well as encouraging awareness. We as a society need to become more aware. We need to start standing up for one another in being protective not only of ourselves but of those around you. Together we are a single unit. When will we start to realize that if one of us hurts, society as a whole hurts? It’s time we become more available to those who need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, without the judgment and give only support needed to overcome the unpleasantries that life sometimes has in store for us.