codependency

Co-Dep Relapse

~ Natal Galvan

I’d kill to see my old therapist again. Let me just add this is definitely a figure of speech. I’ve never kill anyone to see my old therapist again, but as the saying goes to express, I do miss her.

Codependency relapse. It only took me about 9 years but I’ve slowly been slipping back into those self-destructive ways. I’m becoming a people pleaser once again, putting everyone else first instead of my own happiness. I’ve been finding it so difficult to say “no” when every cell in my body is screaming out what I really want to do. What are my goals? What do I really want?

As of late, I’ve been finding hidden, stolen moments of “me” time. It’s currently the best way to fill my cup back up without offending anyone. It’s crazy how in even that I’m too much of a (beep) to even tell those closest to me that I need alone time. Why? If anything they should be the ones I could care less about lying to because they’re the ones who know me the best. Well, because of exactly that, they know me best, and therefore I can’t muster up the courage to stand up for myself. So instead, I’ve been suckered into caring too much about others and their s*** to have time to care about my own.

I sit here wanting to regain what I’ve slowly let go of, which is why I imagine what it would be like to sit with my old therapist again. She was a gem of a lady and I know she would be looking at me with a slight grin, wondering why I havent been applying all that she once taught me. It’s hard to not fall back into old ways when you dont have someone who knows better guiding you. In only 12 short sessions she changed my entire thought process around. I guess I should be happy that it took 9 years to regress a bit. Regardless, I live in Jersey now and she’s in Florida. I would know how to look for her for a hopeful Zoom meeting even if I wanted to.

This is when it is time to do the work myself. I need to remind myself of the tools I was once given and I must put them to use if I want to get back to who I was before moving back. It was easier back then when Ilibed in Florida and didnt live around many people I was really close to. Moving away from home and making friends made it easy to be my authentic self without much guilt, therefore it was easy to break free from the chains of codependency. Being home, among everyone I grew up with, it’s hard for me to really place myself first. I’m struggling hard with this, and in the process I’m beginning to lose much of what I managed to work so inwardly hard for. My inner work is what I value most at this stage in my life and there isn’t anything that I want to mess that up because in doing so, I’d be taking a huge leap back. That’s a leap I refuse take.

Wrap Me Up in Bubble Wrap

~ Natal Galvan

I’m still not used to all the twists and turns and surprising drops that life sometimes takes, however I am getting much better at being able to deal with them without freaking out. I’m still struggling in regards to patiently dealing when other people’s life choices, decisions, and moods affect my day-to-day living or routine. I don’t have a lot of consistency in my life so I cherish the few routines I do have. They are the only times I can really count on to bringing me back to my center. They have become my zen moments. They have become the times that I can count on to escape and get away when need be. When other people disrupt that, it really truly grinds my gears.

In the last few weeks I have found myself countless times having to grit my teeth, bite my tongue, suppress any real opinion for fear of offending feelings. I have a lot of patience for such things because honestly, not everybody deserves to hear a true opinion. Not everyone can take it. Not everybody wants to hear it. “We were born with two ears to listen and one mouth to speak with, that’s two times the listening!” Isn’t that how the saying goes? Well, it is true to be. I am okay with it not always being about me, and having to share opinions or experiences without being asked. But soon patience starts running thin especially when those same people that you’re constantly interacting with start messing with your mojo, and when I mean “mojo” I mean my sacred routines.

I’m going to say that currently in my life there are three major players, which I won’t mention who they are. Each one of these major characters one way or another pull the strings to my puppet, meaning me. It is true when I say that I definitely feel I have regressed back into some of my old codependency ways. Some of those ways being, me not ever wanting to say no, or wanting let others down. Another way being that I do love to rescue and help and make people feel as though they’re being saved, that they’re okay and in good hands. I empty my cup, and empty it until there is no more, and still try to give from my empty cup. Before you know it I am at my wits end about to rip my hair out because I am depleted and drained and don’t know how to get myself out and back into drinking from my own cup again.

The last couple of days I have found much more “me” time and in that time I have concluded that if I want to take reins of my own life again and control the direction in which my future is going, then I definitely have to put my foot down. I started to be more of my authentic self. I make sure that before I leave the house in the morning I imagine myself covering myself from head to toe in thick bubble wrap. This bubble wrap is to deflect any and all sorts of negativity that could come my way, bouncing it right off of me. I have started to note when conflicting situations arise and instead of allowing myself to get caught up in the emotion and feed into it, I just say no more, turn around, and walk away.

I need to really reiterate to myself that I do not need to deal with other people’s shit. When I do, that is when I start losing my life and start living theirs. Regardless of who it is and how much love I have for them, this life experience is a short one and I came here to experience it fully for myself. I need to have that reminder in the back of my mind because it is a very strong and important message. If you’re asking me , it’s actually the most important one in my opinion.