Summer Breeze

I’ve always said that I’m more of a “go with the flow” kind of girl. I don’t typically have much planned, at least not every little detail. I’ve usually got a general idea of what I’d like to do, but to say I’ve got my entire life mapped out down to the tiniest detail is completely untrue. Yet, having your whole life mapped out and having goals are two different things.

When I was younger I had my life totally mapped out. I knew what career I wanted, where I wanted to travel to, the type of husband I wanted to have, the style of family we were going to be (yes, I said style) and the home we would be creating in. All of this before I even knew who I was. As I got older and learned a couple of hard but meaningful lessons, I realized I was trying to live a highly contradictory life. Not contradictory because I wouldnt be able to live it, but because none of it was me. I went from a detailed plan to scratching all of it from my to-do list keeping only the traveling part.

I quit school and solely focused on working so that I could get from one place to the next. Finding love was importnant but there lied the problem. I was trying to find it, therefore I was constantly pointing myself in the wrong direction instead of letting it find me.

I also came to discover that I, in fact, was in no hurry at all to have children. As one does when on the road to self discovery, I asked myself Why? Why was I trying to find romantic love so hard but not with the end result of a child? The answer was the most honest and direct as I could be with myself.

I had a necessity in finding my best friend and partner so that I could enjoy all of life’s magic and splendor with someone. I would feel fulfilled with being able to share the journey of life and constructing memories of that journey with someone else. Having kids for me wasn’t a need. I feel as though for many, having children is a desire that most people have for they have a need to leave behind a footprint or legacy. I don’t have such desires.

So here I was, now in my late 20s. Only now I am beginning to differentiate what was important to me and what wasn’t. I lost most of my blueprint and only had one thing on my mind and that was to live life! During this time is when I lost my dear cousin in a tragic and unexpected accident which pushed me even harder towards living life for the now, fuck the later. The problem to this thinking? You begin to not set goals for yourself. You literally begin to live your days moment to moment with no thought to your future.

This is where I’ve been fort the last 4 years, floating.

Ok…. maybe “floating” is being a bit dramatic… or maybe… I’m trying to not be so hard on myself? I don’t know. What I do know is, after an immense break-down, I’ve begun to take my life back instead of letting it drift around with the breeze. I’ve started to make solid goals for my immediate future, because of course although “Summer breeze makes me feel fine…” to continuously allow yourself to drift along with it will most certainly be the death of you and your purpose.

Daddy’s Little No One

Hardly has she a memory of fond moments with him. Even those that linger have started to fade away. The life she’s lived alone outweighs any time ever spent with him. How could he ever ask any thing more from her? How does he expect her to hand over so much to a mere stranger? Memories are something so special and so cherished. Her treasure is what he asks in exchange for what? Blood? Even strangers ask for far less and yet know so much more of who she is than her good ol’ papi. A shame it is in all honesty because at one point he was her god, her king! Her everything. Her almighty.

Amazing how life can play games on one. One second daddy’s little girl, the next? Abandoned. Oh the trickery! Left all alone since her almighty no longer there to care.Only on those set days when the law required for him to be there. A dead beat dad made her just another statistic and instead of settling for that, she made herself non-existent. She simply said no to they joys. She said no to the stresses. Sure, it was tough being on her own and to be numbed of emotion made her fonder of independence. Younger than most she learned to think for herself. Wrapped up in books and writings helped her grow up and handle life’s toughest situations. So here’s a little letter, a forever farewell to him from that tiny little no one trapped within:

Hey you,

I won’t even ask how you’ve been. I hear you aren’t doing fine. In all honesty I’m not here to inquire about your well being because truthfully I say, it is of no concern of mine. I write to you of selfish need. I’d like to finally clear the air because to let go it needs to be.

Our history has never been good and though I won’t go into details I will tell you this, I never allowed you back in, not because you made a mistakes but because you continued to make them over and over again. Not once has there been a time I could say to have ever been proud of you. Life I have learned is something so sacred that one should only allow those who bring in joy and positive vibes around you. I’ve also learned that sometimes the people who bring you down the most are those you at one point held closest. So plain and simply I say to you, you are not what I want or even need in my life. You are a stranger who at one point made my soul ache in your absence. That’s why I say that time was one of my greatest assets. I shall not waste her for she has been my greatest friend in this ordeal you’ve placed us in. I have moved on now… you should too.

I’ll leave you with at least this, I shall not blame you for any wrong that’s been done. Nor for all those moments although tough, have made me strong. That’s as far as my gratitude towards you goes. Anymore than that and I’d be a lying asshole 🙂 So good-bye dear one for it was nice learning you. The toughest lesson in life. I owe that all to you.

dscf0540 Photo Credit: Natal Galvan, Location: California Yoga Fest