inner work

Co-Dep Relapse

~ Natal Galvan

I’d kill to see my old therapist again. Let me just add this is definitely a figure of speech. I’ve never kill anyone to see my old therapist again, but as the saying goes to express, I do miss her.

Codependency relapse. It only took me about 9 years but I’ve slowly been slipping back into those self-destructive ways. I’m becoming a people pleaser once again, putting everyone else first instead of my own happiness. I’ve been finding it so difficult to say “no” when every cell in my body is screaming out what I really want to do. What are my goals? What do I really want?

As of late, I’ve been finding hidden, stolen moments of “me” time. It’s currently the best way to fill my cup back up without offending anyone. It’s crazy how in even that I’m too much of a (beep) to even tell those closest to me that I need alone time. Why? If anything they should be the ones I could care less about lying to because they’re the ones who know me the best. Well, because of exactly that, they know me best, and therefore I can’t muster up the courage to stand up for myself. So instead, I’ve been suckered into caring too much about others and their s*** to have time to care about my own.

I sit here wanting to regain what I’ve slowly let go of, which is why I imagine what it would be like to sit with my old therapist again. She was a gem of a lady and I know she would be looking at me with a slight grin, wondering why I havent been applying all that she once taught me. It’s hard to not fall back into old ways when you dont have someone who knows better guiding you. In only 12 short sessions she changed my entire thought process around. I guess I should be happy that it took 9 years to regress a bit. Regardless, I live in Jersey now and she’s in Florida. I would know how to look for her for a hopeful Zoom meeting even if I wanted to.

This is when it is time to do the work myself. I need to remind myself of the tools I was once given and I must put them to use if I want to get back to who I was before moving back. It was easier back then when Ilibed in Florida and didnt live around many people I was really close to. Moving away from home and making friends made it easy to be my authentic self without much guilt, therefore it was easy to break free from the chains of codependency. Being home, among everyone I grew up with, it’s hard for me to really place myself first. I’m struggling hard with this, and in the process I’m beginning to lose much of what I managed to work so inwardly hard for. My inner work is what I value most at this stage in my life and there isn’t anything that I want to mess that up because in doing so, I’d be taking a huge leap back. That’s a leap I refuse take.

Duh, Idiot! Let Go!

~ Natal Galvan

I was going over my range of feelings on my way to work today. With all of the unexpectedness that has been going on in my life, complete random s*** that has been throwing me slightly off, I’ve been thrown off kilter yet I still managed to regain my footing. At first I was thinking how much the universe has been loving toying around with me lately. Like if it were some huge kid poking me with a twig to see what I’d do. But my thinking was so off about that. Here’s what I mean, I read my own tarot cards. I follow my own spiritual advisor (or two). I do a lot of inner work. As of late I have been receiving signs pretty much telling me that I need to let go, I need to move towards the path of least resistance, just go with the flow. Although I swore I thought that I already was, my mind was playing tricks on me. I wasn’t. I realized on my way to work today that the universe is throwing me all of these twists and turns because it’s forcing me to let go of control. The universe is trying to force me to let go of everything and just let it all be. It’s strange to realize when you’ve been missing such an obvious message. You feel foolish by not seeing it. In reality when you are so close to the situation how could you see it? That’s like standing nose to screen to the TV and expecting to see the whole picture. So I got the message loud and clear. I know that my life is about to go in some crazy new direction. I can feel it. The vibes are there, the air is thick with the newness. Hence all of the disruption in what my normal day to day is. It’s because of all this newness that my old routine must change. During times of evolving one must always check and get rid of the old. So instead of me trying to control even the small things I am literally putting my feet up, leaning back, and not doing a damn thing. I am just going to be here to receive and to be open to all opportunities that will be thrown my way.

Inner Work

~ Natal Galvan

It’s been over a decade that I’ve been working on myself from the inside out. From exercising shadow work to learning new spiritual practicies, I’ve taken a lot of time in getting to know myself as much as possible. In my honest opinion, it’s what truly matters most, enhancing the inside. My journey has had its up as well as downs of course, but it has all been more than well worth it.

I am one to always embrace change and love evolving. It amazes me when I come across questions, reflective questions that really make me dig deep within myself, questions that I feel like I should automatically know the answer to because I’m dealing with myself, but yet, I don’t even have the faintest idea of what the answer truly is. It could take me days to answer a question that is posed upon me. I find that fascinating. What is even more so, are always the answers because they’re never the initial answer that I start with. As I continue digging, the real underlying answers arise, and that’s where the truth of the matter is really embedded.

It started with a small article on finances and how to work on money blocks which led me into a rabbit hole of, well, myself really. Everyday can give you a slight nudge into self discovery you’re open to it. Tonight’s nudge led me into a day dream of future deliciousness to be had. All it takes is a dream, a thought, to produce enough momentum to achieve what you want. It’s really as easy as that.