living and learning

Keeping Quiet

~ Natal Galvan

“Most men are so thoroughly subjective that nothing really interests them but themselves. They always think of their own case as soon as ever any remark is made, and their whole attention is engrossed and absorbed by the merest chance reference to anything which affects them personally, be it never so remote.” -Arthur Schopenhauer

I read this quote and I immediately thought of myself. It is true, that when those around me are tellibging their tales, my brain can’t help but attach personal stories to the words they speak. It’s almost like I’m bursting at the seams, yet trying to be patient, waiting for them to finish, just so that I can participate and share my own experiences. But why? Why is it that we have such a need to intrude on other people’s moment? Maybe not so much intruding, but that urge of sharing.

I’m slowly learning that not only do I not have to always share my own stories, but I also don’t always have to offer up my advice. I’m learning to speak a lot less. If someone is genuine and wanting any of these from me, then they’ll ask. I’m noting that by allowing others to speak freely without interruption from me, they obviously share more. The less I speak, the more I learn about them.

Another true point is the less I offer up, the less I feel rejected. I can’t mention how many times, while trying to participate in a conversation, my comments go unacknowledged. It’s never a good feeling when you feel like no one’s really listening to you. But again, without allowing for those to ask me, I’m only putting myself out there for a possible rejection.

People love to talk and in their world it’s about them. So I’m learning to speak less. As an observer I absorb much more by doing that, which is doing nothing, only listen. It’s incredible the amount that you learn about others or your surroundings by simply keeping quiet.

To The Myself of The Past

~ Natal Galvan

I look back on the last ten years of my life and it amazes me how much I have changed. When I turned 20 I felt like I had been through enough to know so much about life. Maybe compared to others my age I did. I felt like an adult and believed I had known all I needed to know in order to be a productive member of society. I worked very hard, 5-6 days a week between two jobs, and eventually had enrolled in school. I knew how to save and budget my money and did so successfully. I kept up with the bills, paying them all early, never skipping a payment. I made sure I stayed on top of everything, micromanaging every aspect of my life to the point that I had begun to try to micromanage everything and everyone at work. I wanted to always make sure I went above and beyond my responsibilities. I wanted to make sure I always said and did the right thing, even if that meant sacrificing my own happiness. Reading my journals from back then, I relive the stress and the unhappiness I was living day to day. There was always something to be done. There was always someone to please. I read and relive the frustrations and as I do I come to a realization. Back then I used to blame the world. I would get angry and upset if someone didn’t acknowledge the hard work I had put into something or if the sacrifices I was making was being over looked. I blamed the world for being so hard on me and not giving me the easy life that I felt so many others had. The funny thing was, most of my hardships and frustrations were purely self inflicted. I would take upon all these responsibilities, I would go above and beyond, and instead of doing all of that because it was something I wanted to do for myself, I was doing it because I wanted to shine in other people’s eyes. I was looking for that reassurance. I was seeking that approval. I was getting mad at everyone else for not being proud of me, for not appreciating the things  I was doing, when all along I should have been my own biggest cheerleader. I should have been proud of myself.

Today I am way more relaxed. Sometimes I giggle because I believe my mom thinks I may be feeling a little too relaxed, haha. Living life is now much more important to me than spending my time micromanaging it. I began going with the Universal flow of life and haven’t stopped since. This new plan of not really having a plan has been truly working for me. I know it because I’m actually happy. Sure, I took a break from school. Once I started to think differently, things within me changed, and what I was once so set on doing with the rest of my life is no longer something I want to pursue, so it’s back to the drawing board on that one. Sure, I may not have a lot of money like I once did. Yet, it isn’t something that I’m upset about. Money comes and it’ll go. I still get to do many of the things I want to do and the things I haven’t been able to do are just things I look forward to one day doing. That one will come. I breath easier. I laugh louder. I enjoy the days of boredom when I have nothing to do. I enjoy the stillness of those quiet times. More often than not I am able to stop and take in all that is around me and give gratitude for it all.

My 20’s was a period of learning. As I slowly creep into my 30’s I will take all that I learned and apply it, while still accepting all that I will learn as I continue to evolve into the woman I will someday become. If I could give the myself of the past some advice, I’d simply tell her this,

“Stop. Take time to look at the vastness of the world around you. Take time for yourself. Learn yourself. Listen to yourself. Feel what it is that makes you happy. Follow that feeling and never let go. Stay true to your good heart, but most importantly stay true to yourself.”

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 I don’t fear death because of the act of dying. Death is nothing but a rebirth. I fear death because I don’t want to ever stop learning, even if only for a little while. -natal galvan

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Hindsight

~ Natal Galvan

Nov. 27, 2015

Amazing how quickly life changes. A continuous evolution. A cycle of happiness and sadness. Moments of triumph mixed with moments of failure tainted in despair. I find my shelter in the bubbles of the Witch’s Brew. I find comfort only within these pages. I’ve got no home. My home are the few possessions I carry within my soul. Those no one can take from me. I will no longer stand for the material, not that I ever truly did before, but now I firmly believe that NONE of that shit ever really matters. All of it is impermanent bullshit. What lasts forever no one can touch, an intangible of sorts. All the best things in life no one can touch.

 

Dec. 15, 2015

Sensitivity is drowning me today. Prickly behind the eyes. A throat full of lumps too hard to swallow. I go throughout my day frolicking in wonderment, picking flowers full of thorns and berries coated in poison. Today I’ll listen to every sad song and relate to its every heartbreaking lyric. Not every day is meant to be lived in bliss. Not every emotion ever felt will be a positive one. Cheers to the days that exemplifies balance. Here’s to living through today in hopes of experiencing a better tomorrow.

 

Dec. 16, 2015

“I think everyone is looking for something they already have.” -Jim Carrey

What is it that I already have? For I feel as though I have nothing.

 

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The very next day after this last journal entry I was arrested for Driving Under the Influence. I died that day and was born a new person. It has not been the first bottom I hit. Nor will it be my last. If I look back on it today, I knew a storm was brewing within me. I hid everything behind a smile and with a sip of the Witch’s Brew. I lost myself and instead of setting out to find myself again, I unknowingly decided to allow myself to self destruct.  Hindsight is an amazing thing, but what is even more precious than that is the ability to be present. If I would have been present and acknowledged all that was going on within me I could have avoided so much.

Yet, by not doing so, I opened up the doors to a rebirth.

I look back and read the journal entries of what I feel like have been some of my darkness hours and I don’t feel sorrow or pain. I feel joy. I feel elated. I can see the strength I hold within, the very strength that has gotten me through so much. At the time, I felt weak and alone, when in reality I was everything BUT that. The tough times have shown me how strong I am. They were there to remind me of the warrior I have within. I appreciate every harsh moment because they have built me into who I am at this very moment.

I post this because I know. I have felt what many of you are going through right this very moment. It may seem like you’re alone. It may seem as though you rather get lost in a world of chaos and substance, but you don’t have to. You can be present and avoid the hard road that otherwise lies ahead of you. Your rebirth could go a lot smoother than mine. You’ve just got to slow down and take the time… Take the time to feel, To analyze. Stop and smell the rotting roses because those rotting roses are helping you to see that you need to go and find some light. Listen, truly listen, to that inner self. It is crying out to save you. There is too much pain and sadness inflicted by the world. Be at least that one who listens.

Give yourself a listen.

925268_1424359037835933_790425651_n Photo credit: Natal Galvan