Inevitable Crossings

South Jersey, a small little beach town cannot hide what you’re not trying to see. It’s been 10 months and I avoided running into the past that I have worked so hard to forget. Still, it is like a shadow that inevitably reveals itself, reminding you of what once was. It is crazy for me to see how much others have not been able to move on with their lives even years later when memories are now fuzzy with dust.

When I moved away the second time it was due to two heartbreaks, the passing of my closest cousin and the infidelity of my best friend. For years I delt with both losses. One still wears on my heart like an itchy wool sweater because he is no longer able to enjoy and share in the journey of this world. The other I learned to forgive as well as forget. I knew that once coming back to my hometown, the later would resurface but I would be damned if I would make it easy for a chance encounter. I almost made it an entire year.

Like mentioned before, this area is small, where everyone knows everyone and if they don’t know you, there will still be various mutual acquaintances to keep you tethered. That’s how we ended up crashing into each other again. I remember it being innocent and refreshing. I felt as though full closure was finally had, and to know that we could each move on with our lives without the weight of a tragic and heartbreaking past weighing us down was a great feeling. In my mind there was no longer a full need to dodge, for both parties were in accordance, a synchronized dance. Yet, it was two days later that I heard through the grapevine that things were not well; drama was to ensue.

Honestly, what the actual fuck did I think was going to happen? Not everyone is going to be like me. Not everyone can forgive or forget, even if it was them that were the snake in Eden’s garden. I decided to ignore the gossip, although juicy. I also couldn’t help feel the slight ego boost that infiltrated my soul. A moment in which it all came full circle, knowing that ultimately they did not succeed in their malicious plan to thwart something so natural. Never the less, it was none of my business and I wanted no part of being caught up in the spectacle. She, however, could not help it.

Weeks later I run into him again, even though at this point there was no mistaking, it wasn’t coincidental. I knew he was finding ways to bring himself around and on this specific night I decided to let him know that this, what he was doing was not only brazen, but dissapointing. I now understood that there had not been much change that had taken place in the time of my absence. Even though I wanted to believe that with age there had been much growing amongst all involved, that had simply not been the case.

“We need to talk,” he begged as I turned away from him. “Just give me a minute.” Without wanting to be rude or cold, I allowed him the minute, but he only got about 10 seconds in before I stopped him. He began by asking me why it was that I had contacted his wife in order to tell her that we had seen each other. I laughed. I was shocked at the lie she had configured and even more so at the fact that he believed her. The serpent had slithered her way into trying to gain information and he fell for her trickery. I give her props, but then immediately took it back. I don’t like to be used as a manipulation tactic.

“I have absolutley no need to contact your wife. I haven’t spoken to her in over 5 years. I also have no time for childish games. Please, both of you need to forget about me just as I have moved on from all of you. You’re no more than a grain of sand in my sandbox.” And with that I relocated to another area of the bar.

He ended up following right behind but his boys, my angels, decided to send him packing, but not before he could rob himself a hug and a drunken smooch on my cheek. A smooch that cost him a hard and boney elbow to his chest. “Get off of me! Don’t you EVER do that again!” With that, he was wisked away into an uber.

Apologies and messages of shock radiated from his friends. I wasn’t too surprised at his actions so I told his friends there truly was no need of an apology from them. This was exactly the kind of thing I was used to years ago, when all of this was my life. Now however, I would not tolerate the disrespect be it towards me or his serpent. I left this life long ago and there was no way in hell I wanted any part of it back. A friendship, at most, would have been the only thing I was open for when it came to these circus clowns but now seeing as though conflict is all they still swam in, I was not at all interested.

As sure as I am that I will see them around for the world is too small, I am equally as sure that I won’t even take a glance in their direction. All I will say is that it’s sad to see people in your life staying trapped in a time that truly has no present purpose other than to keep you chained to unease and unhappiness. When you notice that their days are filled with empty monotony and lack of passion. They mesure their success with titles and tangibles and never seem to notice that they never evolved into their full potential simply because they got caught up with trying to manipulate life. Life isn’t a game. It is a beautiful journey of inner growth and spiritual learning. Many may not understand this, but I do. So I will continue on my path without taking much of a glance back, because what’s important to me is making a consious effort in maintaing my inner peace, while showing others that it is ok to evolve in to a more happier and peaceful version of what once was.

Out With The Old

It has been months since I’ve posted anything of importance on my page. I’ve been asked by people if I’m okay, if I’ve been reconsidering writing, if I’ve lost myself or my creativity for ideas. They’re all legitimate questions, I guess, for those who don’t really know me. Writing will forever be my passion and it will forever be the one thing I strive to do with my life. I will say that in the last 6 months I feel as though the Universe has been purging my life of any thing that is either holding me back or trying to guide me into a wrong direction, a direction that really isn’t where I want my life to go. Moments like these of course impact my writing and it can even lead me to going into hiding at which then any writing I do is all personal and away from public eyes.

These past six months I have been able to sift through some ideas I had been playing around with for quite sometime. I have also been becoming more grounded in the ways of how I want to be living my life; ways that best fit me and who I am as an individual, as opposed to what society may see fit for me. I have become prouder of who I am as a person and in the decisions I have made in my life. I have noticed the increase in my inner strength and courage, and have been an active witness to what a woman I have slowly become. There are aspects of my life that of course need improvement. That is obviously something that will always be a part of life, the need of improvement for mind, body and soul.

One very new self-revelation that I have come across is the the level of embracing who I am as an individual and wholeheartedly loving the being who is me. To me this is what matters above all else because this level of self love and acceptance fuels everything else. It’s what keeps the motivation going and the strength to always achieve the things that make you truly happy. Along with positive self-worth comes the knowledge of knowing that you do deserve happiness and all good things that life has to offer you.

Little by little I have been approaching a life that embraces more minimalism when it comes to the materialistic and it has in turn enriched my life in so many other ways, more valuable ways. Stress and Anxiety rarely live here anymore. Whenever I feel a hint of either, I dismiss it in my own way, be it by meditation, by simple positive thinking, whatever it is that I choose to help ease any anxiousness or stress. I feel as though I have begun to really believe the saying, “every problem has a solution”, because lately no problem seems too much to handle. I feel like after years of preparing myself mentally, I have finally gotten to that point in which I can really take a look at situations objectively and understand. I may not have the answers to why, when, where, how… the understanding comes with the knowledge of knowing that some things I cannot change yet I can still go with the flow of life and allow for certain things to handle themselves.

I’ve got a lot of “newness” coming into my life. After months of breaking down an old foundation and getting rid of the past, the old, and everything that no longer serves me, it is now time for the rebuild. I have so much more creativity due to this newness it’s time to give back, because with new opportunities, new adventures, a new way of living comes new stories, new troubles that will arise that I will find solutions to and then will later be able to give my own advice on.

There is an excitement that I haven’t felt in quite a long time and I embrace everything that is coming in to my world for the first time.