Dating Miss. Independent

I am 31 and still very single.

I won’t say that it bothers me in the least bit.

Dating isn’t easy. Can we even really call it enjoyable? Don’t get me wrong, I am not jaded. What I am is realistic and although dating is more times fun than not, I wouldn’t consider it entirely enjoyable. The process can be exhausting from meeting someone, to having to get ready to go on dates, to later meeting his friends and family, to then establishing some sort of compromising routine so that all parties involved are at least equally as happy. I mean, breaking it down like this and who really wants to go dating?

Try doing all of that while being highly independent and the dating world suddenly gets even murkier. That’s what I’ve always gone through, and even though I still tend to jump right in, it doesn’t take me very long to quickly get back out.

The unknown typically doesn’t make a person like myself very comfortable. Funny thing because independent people tend to go adventuring into the unknown but only because of our curiosity and uncomfortability with it; the unknown usually driving us to wanting to know more. Relationships are a huge unknown. Although many would like to constantly express their trust and comfortability within their relationship, no one can be 100% sure because we all know that in life, anything can happen. With that said no wonder we independents find comfort in the walls that we built around our hearts, letting only a countless few in. An average man who desires the independent woman’s heart, can’t even see beyond that wall.

Men tend to always crack me up. In conversations with the male counterpart I often hear that an important quality that they look for in a woman is that she be independent. Later on they meet one and before you know it the relationship is over and it is because of her independent ways that didn’t sit well with them. It’s one example of how sometimes what we think we want in another person isn’t exactly what we may need.

An independent woman won’t be that girl waiting by the phone for his phone call. She will most definitely not be the “doormat” type of girlfriend. She is picky and why shouldn’t she be? Forever is a long time so she’s got a long list of traits she wants because she is ambitious even when it comes to her love life. Although we love to love and crave that emotional availability and companionship with another, we won’t bend for just anyone because for most of us, we have been living a life for so long on our own that we have even built a metaphysical wall around our hearts; just another safety precaution to help us get through this crazy life. Most of us ‘Miss. Independents’ have faced life challenges with a courageous heart and yes, we have overcome a lot yet there is still a fear of failure that lingers on, just like with everyone else. Independents are typically strong and know much about themselves and this can be intimidating for many men. Hence why it takes someone very secure with themselves to be with an independent and will have no problem standing behind their partner when support is needed. A man who is a ball of mush will never be able to hold the attention of a strong woman because it shows her that he will never be able to give her the stability she needs.

Most men tend to want to be that knight in shinning armor aiding in the rescue of his damsel in distress. When he begins dating an Independent woman, his entire game is thrown for a loop. An Independent isn’t looking to date you in order to feel financially secure, which is the foot many men want to begin to lead with, and even though Independent women aren’t necessarily more financially successful, they still won’t seek or accept offerings.

An independent woman will respect a man who is the type to plan their dates and romances her, is chivalrous to her and respectful towards others; a man who will take the reins when need be. She respects the man who maintains an independent social life apart of the one they share together because for an independent woman, alone time is key. A man who lives his own life alongside hers and doesn’t intertwine the two is a major plus. If he is possessive, overbearing, or tends to come on too strong that will be the perfect repellent to keep this kind of girl at bay. She is anti-clingy and so she will never be the woman who will be obsessed with your looks and who will be continously feeding your ego. Simply put you are a part of her life and not her entire life. She is a big advocate on each person keeping their own serperate identity when also building one as a unit. For her it isn’t about not wanting to bend to his ways but more so keeping who she has worked so hard to become. When she meets that man who is willing to invest in doing the things that make her her without a fight, she is loyal to a fault because of its rareity.

Independent women tend to always give off the “I’m fine” vibe. It is almost second nature for us. Even though we cherish our independence we also know that it can get in our way of our asking for help when we needed. Strong communication is important in general but more so with an Independent. Communicaton is not only when it comes to verbally speaking or listening, but it is also interpretation. It’s importnat to listen to what she doesn’t say because what she isn’t saying can speak volumes.

Guys, dating an independent woman isn’t easy. Like any other relationship it can most definitely be a bumpy ride but one that will be 100% worth it. An independent woman has a clear idea of who she is and what she wants and if you’re the kind of man who knows himself and feels comfortable in speaking up about and desires and limits, this relationship will be rewarding.

My advice to you is to be patient, be yourself, and always enjoy the ride.

Afflicted

I seem to leave a trail. My scent, I guess, is what pain picks up on because no matter where I seem to go, it finds me. We do this dance where I try to spin away from it. Yet it twirls me back in with elegance and grace. Like two ballroom dancers that have been partners for a decade. We know each others bodies well. We don’t have our own rhythms for we even breath as one. There is no resistance for our energies rely on one another. Where ever pain is, I am there. Where ever I am, pain lives. It’s a dark romance that I see to fully understand.

Since childhood I have had to deal with trials and tribulations that seemed unfair. Divorce plagues my family. I used to think that divorce ceremonies would be better to attend than fictitious weddings that were draped in “Happily Ever Afters” then within months, at most a year, love turned into hate. Love turned into ugly.

I was molested as a kid. Yea, you can just tack that onto the other statistical attributes that I’ve got going on. He was a family friend just like studies say the probability of that is. During that same year, I spent 8 out of my 9 school months being severely bullied. Did I bring this all upon my self? I want to say not. What child at 13 wants to live in such emotional misery? Yet from most of this I grew strong. Yes, there are minor flaws in my thinking, in my self, from all that’s happened to me. But I could have turned out worse, no?

As I grew older I realized that the current state in which you’re living has a lot to do with your inner self. How you talk to yourself, your thought process, your inner dialogue. I began to change it and life seemed to get better. My thoughts of hating this place,life here on Earth, dwindled. I didn’t have such an urge to want to go “home” home. I found beauty in the small details around me, bringing about a more fuller, prettier,”larger than life” way of thinking. Slowly I became awakened. I am still going through that process for it’s not something that happens over night. It’s not something that you conquer and then move on. It’s continual. It’s a way of life

One aspect of pain though that I cannot seem to shake off are the pains of Love. How ironic, no? Does that even make sense? How can Love possibly bring pain? Love is LOVE!

I am a romantic soul, some may say fool. Since childhood I have always wanted to find that one true mate to live life with, just building fond memories one life given moment at a time. A partner in crime to accompany me in taking on the world. I imagined us chasing dreams, accomplishing goals, truly obtaining all that we’ve wanted, with very few hiccups while on that path to shared happiness. I have encountered many loves in my life. I’ve dated for I am not one to turn away from an opportunity to find this person. But they all seem to come and go for one reason or another. I was telling my mother the other day, “I feel as though with every person I meet and become entangled with, I get closer to the perfect person for me. Once I feel like I found them, they slip through my fingers, and I am unable to grasp. They just slip away like it was a phase. A quick affair with love, a prank of life. A tease.” I do try to look at what role I play in all this. In some relationships I have had, I knew that they weren’t for me. But of course that humanistic nature of feeling like you can change that took over my intuition and therefore I found myself in once again another heart wrenching situation. Other times, they played me like violin. It started off slow and sweet, then turned abrupt, ending in a quick finish, putting on a show for god knows who. Me, being left there, totally used. Once, I found love, but life at that point was difficult and I had to move away, leaving them behind. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in life. We kept in contact for quite awhile but with time and distance that love slowly faded away.

Recently I found joy and bliss in the arms of someone. They aren’t perfect but I believe slightly perfect for me. It’s only been three months since we began building our relationship yet now I am seeing things, feeling things, that are filling my heart with doubt. How wonderful could life really be if at least once a week we are arguing over things that in the overall scheme of life, hardly matters at all? I am now beginning to dread any time we spend together because I feel as though at some point while spending time together, SOMETHING is going to happen to make our sunny days dark. Where once I cared to have no guard up at all, now I found that I have built a Great Wall of sorts, just to keep the negativity at bay. Is that fair to anyone? There are moments when I feel my intuition is telling me to let things go, at least for now. But then I wonder is that me just simply wanting to give up? Nothing beautiful comes from giving up for beauty is sometimes found in the struggle.

So here I am doing this little dance, once again pain and I. In the next week I will find myself busy with life and all of its demands of me. I’m hoping that within the chaos of my life, I am pointed in the right direction of what it is I need to do. For although I am a lover of love, I will not settle. I know what a beautiful relationship consists of. I know what happiness is. I will not settle for something cloaked in the robes of the imaginary. I rather wait, no matter how long it takes, to be free and love nakedly. I shall wear love on my skin. A sincere, genuine love.

I will end today’s piece with reminding myself, and all of you, nothing is in vain. There are good things that come out of everything. Every bad breakup, every bad decision, every bad…well ANYTHING, you can find some good of it. Sometimes you may have to look a little harder to find it but there is always some good there. And like my man Kurt Cobain once said, “Thank You for the tragedy. I need it for my art..”