Just Like You.

I am fucked up. I am just as fucked up as you.

I tell lies; big, bold faced lies. I lie to myself everyday, right to my face. I don’t understand why since with the others I blab out the truth. An open book I am with them; strangers, friends, and even foes. Yet here I stand before this woman in the mirror, and lie.

I pretend that the horrors of my past don’t matter. That I have overcome it all. I am an actress embracing the role of a lifetime, the role of it all being ok. The truth is I am just as fucked up as you.

I get angry; not just over anything. When I do it’s a build up of sorts. When I do? Run for the fucking hills because the volcano will spew, consuming all in its wake.

A girl so “happy” and “positive” all the time surly has her days. When the day is here and the moment is now, it is a terrible day for all who are involved.

I am stubborn; a mule in human form when my way is all I see. When I feel right, I’m right, and there’s nothing else anyone can do about it.

I am a loser; compare me to all those that “know”. They know what to wear, what to say. They know when to have kids. They know who and when to get married. They know what car to buy. They always know how to act. They know what career they want and how to get there.

I talk shit on those people because let’s be fucking real, what do they fucking know??

I am unaccepting; leaving nothing out of range. I don’t accept social norms. The norms set by the heartless, the ones that view the world as their very own experimental tank.

I don’t accept the rules of this world. I only follow the laws of life. I rebel against the flow that the other fish may follow. I swim against the current even when I’m drowning; it’s what I do.

I vocalize my flaws and accept them for what they are; battles within myself that will never fully fall away. Just as I am beautiful, I can be ugly. Just as I am clever, I can be stupid. I am all of these, as well as so much more.

A bitch. A lover. A murderer. A daughter.  I am the realism that dances within your dreams. I am the deceit that helps blanket the illusion of life.

I am fucked up just like you.

 

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I forget birthdays and I’m horribly bad with names.

It’s very difficult for me to fake sincerity. For me to have to pretend to like someone is almost damn near impossible. Don’t get me wrong civility is there but that’s the extent of it.

I never anger without reason. It’s difficult to get me angry, but once you get me to that place, I wish you luck in getting me through it. If anger makes its way into my being it will take root and it will stay for a while.

Although I’m working on my stubbornness, I am still very stubborn. If I truly believe in something, it will be very hard for anyone to change my mind. This goes for all areas in life, love, anything with fact or opinion.

I am at times a procrastinator and when I am alone, I can be unbelievably lazy.

Overthinking can be a hobby of mine although lately I have been working hard to calm those negative inner voices.

I laugh when people fall.

I can be unbelievably sarcastic and passive aggressive.

I have almost no will power when it comes to saying “no” to something I really want to do, even if it can be hazardous.

On the inside, I get high anxiety when it comes to having to socialize with people I don’t know, while on the outside I can look as cool as a cucumber and even come off as confident.

I laugh uncontrollably when I’m nervous. Either that or I fidget with my hands.

Sometimes I can get a little jealous if someone can do something really cool that I can’t.

I internalize my problems and always seem to portray a sunny disposition even if I’m sad as all hell on the inside.

I sometimes care too much about what other people may think about me. This goes hand in hand with my co-dependency.

Sometimes I can curse a little too much.

At this point in my life, I trust no one.

I’ve got split ends and blackheads.

By looking at my hands you can tell I’ve been working all of my life. Contrary to the soft dainty hands I’m “supposed” to have for a girl.

I’ve got a light mustache that I have to Nair once every other month. Thank You, dark Latina genes, thank you. But what fucking ever. At least I don’t have sideburns and crazy hairy ass cheeks.

I’m starting to suffer from grey hair and skin tags.

I could have slightly bigger boobs and a slightly thicker ass… WTF happened Latina genes??!! (But I’m not really sure I would call these flaws) And the size of my double chin depends on my mood or temperament.

I’m so far from perfect but I’m grateful for this. I look at these “flaws” and realize they are what makes me different from every body else. My unique set of flaws, along with my unique set of positive traits, creates the inner contents of a special package. It’s tightly wrapped in a strong, flesh-like shell, that holds and protects a special and completely unique being. No one else has been made with these very same ingredients that it took to make me. I stare at these “flaws” listed here right in front of my face, and I smile at them for they are not flaws. They’re not some bad ingredient that you find on the back of food packaging, for instance, like high fructose corn syrup. They are misunderstood.

As cliche as this sounds, without these flaws I wouldn’t be me. Without them I wouldn’t have the good qualities that I do, or at least they wouldn’t be obvious. Without flaws there wouldn’t be beautiful life lessons to be learned or experiences to be had. We would be walking around in a perception of perfection which would allow no room for living and learning. A complete waste this life would be, for that is the exact reason we come here to this realm of living, to live and learn.

I not only accept my flaws but expose them to the world. I believe that if we embraced our “bad” traits  we would end up truly loving ourselves more so than if we just accepted our good traits. I mean, that is what true love is, isn’t it? Having the ability to look past a person’s flaws and accept them exactly as who they are? Wouldn’t it be amazing to have that love for yourself, not just hoping to one day experience it for someone else? You have the ability to experience that Love everyone desires to find. Experience it with yourself first because there is no better person to give you that unconditional love than YOU.

In experiencing that Love for yourself, in accepting those flaws, you’ll discover a completely different world. A world where you have no fear to say the things you feel or think. A world in which you can freely act the way you feel and simply be who you are, without doubting yourself or questioning how others may perceive you. A world in which you accept and love yourself without limitations or conditions.  To have this Love for yourself means that you will have the ability to truly love others openly and that is Love in its purest form.

I bare my flaws and praise them because I accept them for what they are and in turn love myself for who I am because of them. I urge you to allow yourself to do the same because everyone deserves a little true love ❤