A COV(ert)ID Silverlining

When all of this “virus” chatter began, I will admit that I wasn’t fully convinced at the gravity of it all. I blame our government and media outlets for that. They have broken my trust on many levels, so pardon me that it took me some time to believe what was being said. Lucky for me I learned at a young age to look outside of mainstream media sources and to dig deeper when seeking out the truth. Slowly I began to ingest what was truly going on and instead of brushing it off as, once again, another media-driven hysteria, I began to heed what was being warned. For me, it went from being “virus” chatter to serious virus talk.

I am currently on day 8 of our “official” lockdown and although I have been able to see friends and family periodically, it was only in the last three days that I have chosen to completely isolate myself, and not for the reasons that you may think. 

Amid all the calamity this virus has brought to our front doors, I’d like to think of all this as a necessary evil for society and what’s left of this starving planet Earth.

I might get shit for calling this pandemic a “necessary evil”. How could I say such a thing when so many people have died? But like a war, a battle being fought for the greater good, it has its deaths by the thousands of the guilty and of the innocent alike; it is exactly that, war. This type of war, however, isn’t to bring together land and eradicate manmade borders. This war is an internal war, not only physically but spiritually and emotionally. It’s a war to remind us of where we came from. It’s a war for time, because humanity needed time. Humanity needed a break from it all.

The last three days have been filled with a lot of self-reflection. I’ve been taking a look inside myself, asking myself questions, and having discussions that I should’ve had long ago. I limited my T.V time and within the silence, I have found sparks of creativity. I’m able to connect with nature better and I even feel as though the Universe speaks to me louder and more clearly without all the every day static I had grown conditioned to. I have learned to be a little more resourceful and a lot less wasteful. I’ve become more aware of the immediate things I must change to improve who I am.  I’ve become aware of the things I will gradually give up in order to live my version of a better life.

Some people end up finding themselves while lost at sea. Some find themselves after veering off track and getting lost in the wilderness. We have been given the chance to find ourselves within the confines (and comfort) of our own home. We have been given that extra bit of vacation time. We have been given the chance to learn from crisis hoarders, that greed leads you nowhere other than to the land of Overloaded and Nowhere To Store It.  We have been given extra time with our family, with our pets, with our crafts. We have been given the space to work on ourselves; the time to detox from everything that has been pumped into our senses.

I have read that for us here in the U.S it’s only going to get worse before it gets better. I also hear that “getting better” still means that we’re going to be set back about a decade.  Whether any of that is true or not, I don’t know. We’ll call it what it is, speculation. I say that if at the end of all of this there is more genuine happiness within homes all around the world, genuine happiness within our own home, and with one’s self than I’ll pay that price. In the end, we are all going to be going through it together and there is comfort in that. This is a covert opportunity to change humanity in wonderful ways if only we begin to choose love before greed. We have the ability to rebuild a stronger and better world by going through such adversity together. I wish that through all if this social distancing and social isolation, after all the souls who have passed on because of this virus, we end up choosing to do good to one another.

“We will have suffered together, we will have fought through it together, and we will overcome together.”

 

 

 

Out With The Old

It has been months since I’ve posted anything of importance on my page. I’ve been asked by people if I’m okay, if I’ve been reconsidering writing, if I’ve lost myself or my creativity for ideas. They’re all legitimate questions, I guess, for those who don’t really know me. Writing will forever be my passion and it will forever be the one thing I strive to do with my life. I will say that in the last 6 months I feel as though the Universe has been purging my life of any thing that is either holding me back or trying to guide me into a wrong direction, a direction that really isn’t where I want my life to go. Moments like these of course impact my writing and it can even lead me to going into hiding at which then any writing I do is all personal and away from public eyes.

These past six months I have been able to sift through some ideas I had been playing around with for quite sometime. I have also been becoming more grounded in the ways of how I want to be living my life; ways that best fit me and who I am as an individual, as opposed to what society may see fit for me. I have become prouder of who I am as a person and in the decisions I have made in my life. I have noticed the increase in my inner strength and courage, and have been an active witness to what a woman I have slowly become. There are aspects of my life that of course need improvement. That is obviously something that will always be a part of life, the need of improvement for mind, body and soul.

One very new self-revelation that I have come across is the the level of embracing who I am as an individual and wholeheartedly loving the being who is me. To me this is what matters above all else because this level of self love and acceptance fuels everything else. It’s what keeps the motivation going and the strength to always achieve the things that make you truly happy. Along with positive self-worth comes the knowledge of knowing that you do deserve happiness and all good things that life has to offer you.

Little by little I have been approaching a life that embraces more minimalism when it comes to the materialistic and it has in turn enriched my life in so many other ways, more valuable ways. Stress and Anxiety rarely live here anymore. Whenever I feel a hint of either, I dismiss it in my own way, be it by meditation, by simple positive thinking, whatever it is that I choose to help ease any anxiousness or stress. I feel as though I have begun to really believe the saying, “every problem has a solution”, because lately no problem seems too much to handle. I feel like after years of preparing myself mentally, I have finally gotten to that point in which I can really take a look at situations objectively and understand. I may not have the answers to why, when, where, how… the understanding comes with the knowledge of knowing that some things I cannot change yet I can still go with the flow of life and allow for certain things to handle themselves.

I’ve got a lot of “newness” coming into my life. After months of breaking down an old foundation and getting rid of the past, the old, and everything that no longer serves me, it is now time for the rebuild. I have so much more creativity due to this newness it’s time to give back, because with new opportunities, new adventures, a new way of living comes new stories, new troubles that will arise that I will find solutions to and then will later be able to give my own advice on.

There is an excitement that I haven’t felt in quite a long time and I embrace everything that is coming in to my world for the first time.

Have You Ever? Yes, We Have.

“Have you ever been so angry or frustrated at life that all you want to do is tell everyone how angry and frustrated you are?

Shit.

What am I even talking about? It’s not even being angry at life. It’s more like angry at how fucking annoying situations and people can be. Drama oozing out of people as if it were their natural aroma. It’s fucking annoying. People who act all stressed out because something minor in their lives is going somewhat unexpectedly shitty meanwhile your whole god damn fucking life is unraveling and you barely say a word. Sometimes all you want to do is rattle the shit out of people…. rattle them so hard that their confused little heads spin off and fly away into a distant direction never to be seen or heard of again..”

Yes, even happy and positive people can feel this way. Even spiritualist will come across this feeling once in a blue moon. No human on this planet is perfect. Jesus Christ himself flipped over a table or two in frustration.

I recently went through a period that called for such emotions. It was difficult for me to restrain myself from flipping out unnecessarily on an unsuspecting victim. How did I do it?

Over the years I believe that I have been really fine tuning my mental dexterity, meaning that I have been able to condition my mind to think creatively and through that have been able to understand, express, and process situations quickly and easily. Does that mean that I am perfect? Hell no. Does it mean that I never have a moment in which I get enraged and freak out? Nope. All that means is that I am able to handle these situations a bit better than before. I’ve learned over the years that we are our biggest project. You will always be a work in progress and how you handle life and its dips is one aspect of your learning lesson. Instead of bad moments lasting me days, it may only last a day. Instead of me taking my rage out on someone, I take it out on something. Be it paper, canvas, the gym, pavement, I choose to take my negative energy out on something else other than myself or others.

What is the point of dwelling on outwardly situations that you may not be able to change? All you end up doing is punishing yourself over external conditions. Instead, reward yourself with a little peace of mind. Stay in the moment of now. Do not dread about your work shift tomorrow, or that court date you’re facing in a week. Let it go. Enjoy the present and do so by  enjoying a moment that is beneficial for you. Meditate. Take a long bubble bath and accompany that with a nice book and a glass of your favorite wine. Play that vinyl record that you love so much. Go for a nice quiet walk on the beach or around your neighborhood. Go work out at your local gym or maybe take a few minuets to jot down exactly how you feel. Writing I find to be very freeing. I even go a step further and burn that pretty paper, words and all, and imagine that as it goes up in flames, so does all my negative emotions about the given issue. There are so many ways to free yourself from the negativity that the world can sometimes drape you in. It is up to you to not let it get you to a point where it all seems bad. Don’t ignore how you’re feeling. Work through it and move on and never forget, that your mental strength means everything. Stop the negative self talk and instead have yourself an uplifting inner dialogue because, you are enough.

You are stronger than what you give yourself credit for.

flAweD.

I forget birthdays and I’m horribly bad with names.

It’s very difficult for me to fake sincerity. For me to have to pretend to like someone is almost damn near impossible. Don’t get me wrong civility is there but that’s the extent of it.

I never anger without reason. It’s difficult to get me angry, but once you get me to that place, I wish you luck in getting me through it. If anger makes its way into my being it will take root and it will stay for a while.

Although I’m working on my stubbornness, I am still very stubborn. If I truly believe in something, it will be very hard for anyone to change my mind. This goes for all areas in life, love, anything with fact or opinion.

I am at times a procrastinator and when I am alone, I can be unbelievably lazy.

Overthinking can be a hobby of mine although lately I have been working hard to calm those negative inner voices.

I laugh when people fall.

I can be unbelievably sarcastic and passive aggressive.

I have almost no will power when it comes to saying “no” to something I really want to do, even if it can be hazardous.

On the inside, I get high anxiety when it comes to having to socialize with people I don’t know, while on the outside I can look as cool as a cucumber and even come off as confident.

I laugh uncontrollably when I’m nervous. Either that or I fidget with my hands.

Sometimes I can get a little jealous if someone can do something really cool that I can’t.

I internalize my problems and always seem to portray a sunny disposition even if I’m sad as all hell on the inside.

I sometimes care too much about what other people may think about me. This goes hand in hand with my co-dependency.

Sometimes I can curse a little too much.

At this point in my life, I trust no one.

I’ve got split ends and blackheads.

By looking at my hands you can tell I’ve been working all of my life. Contrary to the soft dainty hands I’m “supposed” to have for a girl.

I’ve got a light mustache that I have to Nair once every other month. Thank You, dark Latina genes, thank you. But what fucking ever. At least I don’t have sideburns and crazy hairy ass cheeks.

I’m starting to suffer from grey hair and skin tags.

I could have slightly bigger boobs and a slightly thicker ass… WTF happened Latina genes??!! (But I’m not really sure I would call these flaws) And the size of my double chin depends on my mood or temperament.

I’m so far from perfect but I’m grateful for this. I look at these “flaws” and realize they are what makes me different from every body else. My unique set of flaws, along with my unique set of positive traits, creates the inner contents of a special package. It’s tightly wrapped in a strong, flesh-like shell, that holds and protects a special and completely unique being. No one else has been made with these very same ingredients that it took to make me. I stare at these “flaws” listed here right in front of my face, and I smile at them for they are not flaws. They’re not some bad ingredient that you find on the back of food packaging, for instance, like high fructose corn syrup. They are misunderstood.

As cliche as this sounds, without these flaws I wouldn’t be me. Without them I wouldn’t have the good qualities that I do, or at least they wouldn’t be obvious. Without flaws there wouldn’t be beautiful life lessons to be learned or experiences to be had. We would be walking around in a perception of perfection which would allow no room for living and learning. A complete waste this life would be, for that is the exact reason we come here to this realm of living, to live and learn.

I not only accept my flaws but expose them to the world. I believe that if we embraced our “bad” traits  we would end up truly loving ourselves more so than if we just accepted our good traits. I mean, that is what true love is, isn’t it? Having the ability to look past a person’s flaws and accept them exactly as who they are? Wouldn’t it be amazing to have that love for yourself, not just hoping to one day experience it for someone else? You have the ability to experience that Love everyone desires to find. Experience it with yourself first because there is no better person to give you that unconditional love than YOU.

In experiencing that Love for yourself, in accepting those flaws, you’ll discover a completely different world. A world where you have no fear to say the things you feel or think. A world in which you can freely act the way you feel and simply be who you are, without doubting yourself or questioning how others may perceive you. A world in which you accept and love yourself without limitations or conditions.  To have this Love for yourself means that you will have the ability to truly love others openly and that is Love in its purest form.

I bare my flaws and praise them because I accept them for what they are and in turn love myself for who I am because of them. I urge you to allow yourself to do the same because everyone deserves a little true love ❤

 

 

Roaring 20’s

As I slowly close out my twenties, I can’t help but get thoughtful. I analyze the last ten years of my life and think about two things, one, how quick it all went, and two, what I’ve learned in the last decade.

I still remember the day I turned 21. I had recently moved to FL that year and barely had any friends. I spent my day working and then afterwards went out for a few drinks with my middle aged co-workers (who at this point were like family away from home) and my boyfriend at the time who, unbeknownst to me, was getting ready to leave me in less than three months. My birthday wasn’t anything crazy. Now looking back on it I feel like it was a perfect representation of how my twenties would go. I had fun, but was it a roaring good time? Neh. I’ve always heard amazing stories of kids turning 21 and mine was nowhere near as exciting. At the time, I was a little bummed out about it. I had no crazy stories to tell, nothing to truly brag about. Now looking back on it I think to myself, “You moved to a completely different state, alone, and succeeded that year. Not many people do that. You did.” But in a young mind that doesn’t count. What counts is the amount of shenanigans one can get into and live through in order to get to tell the story later. Well, at least I’d always have my 25th birthday! Right?…

My early twenties was FULL of mature bad decision making. Up until you hit your twenties, you are young and immature. You know nothing about life and therefore you constantly make bad choices, not truly knowing that you are because foresight is almost non-existent. Yet while I was growing up, I had always been told how mature I was for my age, ever since I was a little rugrat. I had to grow up quite quick once my parents divorced and so that left me with hardly a fun childhood. I was like a mini parent, always making sure to help my mom out with my little sister, even on the days I really didn’t want to. So here I am now, a true young adult, living in a state far far away from home. I was over the top responsible when it came to working, paying bills, saving money, going to school, ect. and although at the time I thought I was making great choices (because mature people always make good choices…) I was also making really really stupid ones. By the time I was 23 I had made just a handful of friends my age and began going crazy. I was finally doing things that any average kid my age was doing. It was as if I was making up for all the fun time lost. I began partying like no other. It seemed like I was finally doing what kids my age had been doing since high school. I began drinking a lot and experimenting with other “fun” substances and throughout the cloud and haze I began associating with people that weren’t really the best influences. My picks of boyfriends were even worse and although I had always been a heavy thinker, making sure I was always 5 steps ahead of the game, I got sucked into the world of living for the moment, even if that moment wasn’t one I truly wanted to be apart of. It had taken me a long time of living alone and wanting friends that got me to that place. Once I had made those friends, actual connections with people, I would do almost anything to keep them from going astray.

My early twenties were full of moments in which at the time I thought I was doing the right things, the right things for me anyways. Even though I felt like I was doing the best I could, my delivery (or lack there of) on certain matters just wasn’t great. This is why I say that this period of my life was full of “mature” bad decision making. My mentality was if no one liked what I was doing or how I was doing it, Bye Bye Felicia, out of my life you were cut out, for good. Did it have to go to that extreme? No. Absolutely not. But at the time, I felt like I was living my life and how dare you have an opinion on it.  In retrospect I see how stupid and frankly, immature that was. People are always going to have their opinion, and they’re entitled to it. All I should have done was either ignore it or talk it out. Instead, I was trying to stubbornly stand my ground. By doing that I cut out many people from my life that to this very day I still genuinely think about.

The year of my 25th birthday was the year I hit my quarter life crisis. I was tired of living in this small town of FL where nothing ever happened unless it was trouble that would find you, even if you weren’t looking for it. I had realized that I no longer wanted to be here and I had saved enough money to take a venture to any place I had truly wanted. Since a child I had always dreamed about California. It was never in regards to moving out there to become famous or anything of that nature, but I had simply always been drawn to it. The diversity of people and things to do, combined with the mountains and the yearn to want to climb them all, it called to me. That spring I took off. My sister and I had packed our cars and off we went to see what Cali would offer us.

What it offered us was slap of reality, with a dose of breaking us down, and a lesson on humility. It took all but a year for life to really serve me up a lesson that it normally takes people up to a lifetime to learn. My quarter life crisis, like any other life crisis, was full of a lot of learning and relearning. Learning how the world worked, relearning who I really was. We lived out of our cars for longer than anyone would ever want to. We borderline starved, having to eat baby food in order to obtain the nutrients we needed for a fraction of the price of having to make a real meal. We had been so far behind on bills that eventually everything I had worked so hard for had simply slipped from my fingers and into a pool hand me downs for everyone else to enjoy. Intertwined with all this mess, you could also find people that made our situation worse. We met some really grimy people out there. People that by looking at them you would think were honest to good people. People you felt like could help you out in some way, or at least could add some light into this dark phase of my life, but instead took advantage until there was utterly nothing left.

California broke me down. I moved back to Jersey, not even FL but Jersey, with my tail between my legs. Here I had assumed relocating to California would be so easy like it had been when I had moved to FL but I was so wrong, on so many levels. Now here I was, crawling back home with the need to be around family and friends from my old life, a life I never wanted to come back to, with a need to regroup after my worse than awful travel adventure. Since then it has been years of me revamping myself, recreating from the rubble that was left behind from my adventurous travel, but not before making a few more minor mistakes (that were not so minor). I say mistakes, but in reality it is just one mistake I keep making over and over, they’re just dressed up in different costumes.

The desire to make other people happy and smile has been a quality and yet a downfall of mine throughout my entire life. I tend to put other people first, and then it’s my needs and wants that come in second. You could be family, you could be friends, or even strangers. No matter how we are connected, once we are, your happiness and well being are goals for me. People need uplifting?..DUN DUN DUN DUN! Here I was to the rescue! In my early years I always considered that to be such a good quality to have because, honestly, now a days who really does that? As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned what a hindrance it could be.How can someone place everyone else first and still think that the life they’re living is their own? Up until just recently I have done just that. I have been living the life of everyone else except my own and here I wondered why it was I was so happy (because I am always happy) yet so not happy. There was something missing and what was missing was me. I had taken myself out of my own life for so long that I had become completely lost and wasn’t sure how to find me again. I was dependent on making others happy and once those “others” had left my life for one reason or another I was left alone with not fully knowing who I was anymore or what I truly wanted.

Anyone that has read my other blogs knows what kind of trouble I have been in with the law in the last recent months. Although I am not proud of it, I can honestly say that I’m truly grateful for it happening. Many things that have happened as a result, both good and bad, one of the things I am most happy for has been for the self improvement phase of it all. I’ve obviously have had to cut my partying back some and as a result many of my friendships here in FL have suffered. As a result of that, I have had a LOT of alone time. People often say that when bad things occur it is really a blessing in disguise. I know that this was one of those times. For instance, I was sentenced to mandatory counseling and it was in that counseling that I discovered so much about myself that I honestly wouldn’t have ever learned if it wasn’t for me seeing my amazing therapist. Even as our sessions together slowly dwindle down to the last few, I cherish every second for she has really made life just a wee bit easier for me, if you can imagine that. Not being able to go out as I once often did has allowed me to have much quiet time, which in turn has helped not only my writing and my wallet, but also has given me the opportunity to dive into my self and get to know me all over again.

I have now really figured out what it is that I want to do next. There is no more idling here. There is no more of me waiting for someone to give me a purpose. I am my purpose. I’ve figured out that not everything that we think of as a “need” is a need, and that some wants should come before certain “needs”.

In just a few months I will be completely out of the awkward twenties phase and commencing my thirties. I have set goals and although I don’t have a certain time frame to accomplish them, I have goals that I have placed for myself. Coming from me, that’s huge. Not goals that mean something to other people, but goals that mean something to me. Since a kid I have always felt that my thirties were going to be better than any other phase previously lived. Fuck my high school years ( I actually feel bad for people who’s prime was hit in high school). Fuck my weird and awkward twenties. It was deep in my soul that I felt that my thirties would rock, and I still feel that way now more than ever. I look forward of what’s to come and mainly because it’ll be MY life that is finally being lived out by me.

Finally.

11236012_919972328052829_1223187122_n Photo Credit: Natal Galvan, Muse: Angie M. and Natal Galvan