You Know, Sometimes….

Life can really throw you for a loop.

Sometimes “better late than never” is just a little too late. Sometimes it’s brighter before a wicked storm. Sometimes words don’t just bounce off of me and stick to you. Sometimes the grass truly is greener on the other side and the Universe is allowing for you to take a little look.

Sometimes it’s hard to really look at the bigger picture. Sometimes we forget that things that mean more to us, will be hard to obtain, but not impossible. Sometimes it is hard to maintain a cheery disposition, especially when things are tasting a little sour.

Sometimes it is totally Ok to not be Ok. Sometimes is not most times and all we need is a little reminder, that although complicated and tough, life is always good.

Tough Times Are Bridges

People will always let you down. So will places and things. This is exactly why the sooner we realize to not expect anything different, the sooner we can live in extended periods of bliss no matter  what surprises are thrown our way.

As a kid I obviously did not know this key fact to life. Which is exactly why I love getting older because if you’re smart and you learn from life and its lessons, you begin to realize how much power you truly do hold when it comes to handling situations that are out of your control. The power isn’t controlling external situations. By doing that you’re setting yourself up for dooming failure. The power lies in controlling internal ones. So as I grow older I find that it isn’t so  much trying to grab reins of the outside world but more grabbing the reins of my inner self.  I’m learning to focus on the things I can control such as what I choose to focus my thoughts and actions on. I focus on my inner dialogue as well as I try to always keep tabs on how I feel. My instinct is my greatest tool and as I continue to live my life and tune into it more, I feel that it has become so strong that it has become a different sort of power within itself.

For the majority of the time I am a positive and a happy person, even when life hasn’t been so easy. It’s not that I’m being fake but it’s more that I don’t care to give into the emotions of sadness, rage, anger, depression, ect. I could feel it of course for a second…maybe a few minuets or a couple hours depending on the situation, but you will not see me dwell. I move on. I feel that there is no problem that couldn’t be overcome so quickly I try to find solutions. Even a serious illness has a solution. You may not like it but death is nature’s way of solving. Very emo of me to say I know, but hey, unless you are one to believe that when we die our energy just poof! collapses and turns to nothing, death isn’t such a bad solution, am I right? (I’m not talking suicide! Don’t get these thoughts twisted… Remember I mentioned ‘serious illness’)

Troubles are going to always arise and it is how we handle these problems that really defines us as individuals. No, life isn’t perfect and like I said before, there will always be something disrupting a happy streak. The way to begin to take control of these situations is by first looking at these issues or problems for what they really are, bridges. That’s right, a bridge. You are basically going from one island of happiness to another but in order to get onto that next island of happiness you must first walk the bridge to get there. How quickly you make your way over that bridge is totally up to you. You can take a seat and sulk a bit, dwell on all that you may have left behind on happiness island. Or, you can slowly begin to take one foot and place it in front of the other, making your way off of this wobbly bridge and onto the next happiness island of fun and adventure.

Difficult situations and hurtful emotions are very hard to overcome but human beings are made to be resilient and so we must remember that we are here to live,endure, learn, and there is no way for our souls to live, experience, and evolve without the painful, the hurtful, and the ugly.  The past few days for me have not been the easiest. Actually, scratch that, more like the last couple months, but with that said, I have had beautiful moments in between. Little bits of happiness here and there, sprinkles, like multicolored jimmies on plain vanilla ice cream. Just a little over 24hrs ago a decision was made for me that would indeed affect aspects of my life in ways I didn’t see coming. Although I cannot control these external issues, internally I am dealing. So I have stopped for just a second to take a moment to also breath in some fresh air. Yes, what I may be going through is not easy but I can accept it for what it is and can now wholeheartedly move on without regret. I have begun taking the steps to get over this bridge and I find that it’ll be much sooner than later that I will come upon this new island of happiness. I look forward to that moment. I surrender my thoughts to those of only positivity and happiness. Everything else can just fall away, and as the bridge I walk on sways, I use its momentum to propel me far far away from those feelings that could keep me stuck.

 

Hindsight

Nov. 27, 2015

Amazing how quickly life changes. A continuous evolution. A cycle of happiness and sadness. Moments of triumph mixed with moments of failure tainted in despair. I find my shelter in the bubbles of the Witch’s Brew. I find comfort only within these pages. I’ve got no home. My home are the few possessions I carry within my soul. Those no one can take from me. I will no longer stand for the material, not that I ever truly did before, but now I firmly believe that NONE of that shit ever really matters. All of it is impermanent bullshit. What lasts forever no one can touch, an intangible of sorts. All the best things in life no one can touch.

 

Dec. 15, 2015

Sensitivity is drowning me today. Prickly behind the eyes. A throat full of lumps too hard to swallow. I go throughout my day frolicking in wonderment, picking flowers full of thorns and berries coated in poison. Today I’ll listen to every sad song and relate to its every heartbreaking lyric. Not every day is meant to be lived in bliss. Not every emotion ever felt will be a positive one. Cheers to the days that exemplifies balance. Here’s to living through today in hopes of experiencing a better tomorrow.

 

Dec. 16, 2015

“I think everyone is looking for something they already have.” -Jim Carrey

What is it that I already have? For I feel as though I have nothing.

 

************

 

The very next day after this last journal entry I was arrested for Driving Under the Influence. I died that day and was born a new person. It has not been the first bottom I hit. Nor will it be my last. If I look back on it today, I knew a storm was brewing within me. I hid everything behind a smile and with a sip of the Witch’s Brew. I lost myself and instead of setting out to find myself again, I unknowingly decided to allow myself to self destruct.  Hindsight is an amazing thing, but what is even more precious than that is the ability to be present. If I would have been present and acknowledged all that was going on within me I could have avoided so much.

Yet, by not doing so, I opened up the doors to a rebirth.

I look back and read the journal entries of what I feel like have been some of my darkness hours and I don’t feel sorrow or pain. I feel joy. I feel elated. I can see the strength I hold within, the very strength that has gotten me through so much. At the time, I felt weak and alone, when in reality I was everything BUT that. The tough times have shown me how strong I am. They were there to remind me of the warrior I have within. I appreciate every harsh moment because they have built me into who I am at this very moment.

I post this because I know. I have felt what many of you are going through right this very moment. It may seem like you’re alone. It may seem as though you rather get lost in a world of chaos and substance, but you don’t have to. You can be present and avoid the hard road that otherwise lies ahead of you. Your rebirth could go a lot smoother than mine. You’ve just got to slow down and take the time… Take the time to feel, To analyze. Stop and smell the rotting roses because those rotting roses are helping you to see that you need to go and find some light. Listen, truly listen, to that inner self. It is crying out to save you. There is too much pain and sadness inflicted by the world. Be at least that one who listens.

Give yourself a listen.

925268_1424359037835933_790425651_n Photo credit: Natal Galvan

Afflicted

I seem to leave a trail. My scent, I guess, is what pain picks up on because no matter where I seem to go, it finds me. We do this dance where I try to spin away from it. Yet it twirls me back in with elegance and grace. Like two ballroom dancers that have been partners for a decade. We know each others bodies well. We don’t have our own rhythms for we even breath as one. There is no resistance for our energies rely on one another. Where ever pain is, I am there. Where ever I am, pain lives. It’s a dark romance that I see to fully understand.

Since childhood I have had to deal with trials and tribulations that seemed unfair. Divorce plagues my family. I used to think that divorce ceremonies would be better to attend than fictitious weddings that were draped in “Happily Ever Afters” then within months, at most a year, love turned into hate. Love turned into ugly.

I was molested as a kid. Yea, you can just tack that onto the other statistical attributes that I’ve got going on. He was a family friend just like studies say the probability of that is. During that same year, I spent 8 out of my 9 school months being severely bullied. Did I bring this all upon my self? I want to say not. What child at 13 wants to live in such emotional misery? Yet from most of this I grew strong. Yes, there are minor flaws in my thinking, in my self, from all that’s happened to me. But I could have turned out worse, no?

As I grew older I realized that the current state in which you’re living has a lot to do with your inner self. How you talk to yourself, your thought process, your inner dialogue. I began to change it and life seemed to get better. My thoughts of hating this place,life here on Earth, dwindled. I didn’t have such an urge to want to go “home” home. I found beauty in the small details around me, bringing about a more fuller, prettier,”larger than life” way of thinking. Slowly I became awakened. I am still going through that process for it’s not something that happens over night. It’s not something that you conquer and then move on. It’s continual. It’s a way of life

One aspect of pain though that I cannot seem to shake off are the pains of Love. How ironic, no? Does that even make sense? How can Love possibly bring pain? Love is LOVE!

I am a romantic soul, some may say fool. Since childhood I have always wanted to find that one true mate to live life with, just building fond memories one life given moment at a time. A partner in crime to accompany me in taking on the world. I imagined us chasing dreams, accomplishing goals, truly obtaining all that we’ve wanted, with very few hiccups while on that path to shared happiness. I have encountered many loves in my life. I’ve dated for I am not one to turn away from an opportunity to find this person. But they all seem to come and go for one reason or another. I was telling my mother the other day, “I feel as though with every person I meet and become entangled with, I get closer to the perfect person for me. Once I feel like I found them, they slip through my fingers, and I am unable to grasp. They just slip away like it was a phase. A quick affair with love, a prank of life. A tease.” I do try to look at what role I play in all this. In some relationships I have had, I knew that they weren’t for me. But of course that humanistic nature of feeling like you can change that took over my intuition and therefore I found myself in once again another heart wrenching situation. Other times, they played me like violin. It started off slow and sweet, then turned abrupt, ending in a quick finish, putting on a show for god knows who. Me, being left there, totally used. Once, I found love, but life at that point was difficult and I had to move away, leaving them behind. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in life. We kept in contact for quite awhile but with time and distance that love slowly faded away.

Recently I found joy and bliss in the arms of someone. They aren’t perfect but I believe slightly perfect for me. It’s only been three months since we began building our relationship yet now I am seeing things, feeling things, that are filling my heart with doubt. How wonderful could life really be if at least once a week we are arguing over things that in the overall scheme of life, hardly matters at all? I am now beginning to dread any time we spend together because I feel as though at some point while spending time together, SOMETHING is going to happen to make our sunny days dark. Where once I cared to have no guard up at all, now I found that I have built a Great Wall of sorts, just to keep the negativity at bay. Is that fair to anyone? There are moments when I feel my intuition is telling me to let things go, at least for now. But then I wonder is that me just simply wanting to give up? Nothing beautiful comes from giving up for beauty is sometimes found in the struggle.

So here I am doing this little dance, once again pain and I. In the next week I will find myself busy with life and all of its demands of me. I’m hoping that within the chaos of my life, I am pointed in the right direction of what it is I need to do. For although I am a lover of love, I will not settle. I know what a beautiful relationship consists of. I know what happiness is. I will not settle for something cloaked in the robes of the imaginary. I rather wait, no matter how long it takes, to be free and love nakedly. I shall wear love on my skin. A sincere, genuine love.

I will end today’s piece with reminding myself, and all of you, nothing is in vain. There are good things that come out of everything. Every bad breakup, every bad decision, every bad…well ANYTHING, you can find some good of it. Sometimes you may have to look a little harder to find it but there is always some good there. And like my man Kurt Cobain once said, “Thank You for the tragedy. I need it for my art..”