Author: Natal Galvan

Co-Dep Relapse

~ Natal Galvan

I’d kill to see my old therapist again. Let me just add this is definitely a figure of speech. I’ve never kill anyone to see my old therapist again, but as the saying goes to express, I do miss her.

Codependency relapse. It only took me about 9 years but I’ve slowly been slipping back into those self-destructive ways. I’m becoming a people pleaser once again, putting everyone else first instead of my own happiness. I’ve been finding it so difficult to say “no” when every cell in my body is screaming out what I really want to do. What are my goals? What do I really want?

As of late, I’ve been finding hidden, stolen moments of “me” time. It’s currently the best way to fill my cup back up without offending anyone. It’s crazy how in even that I’m too much of a (beep) to even tell those closest to me that I need alone time. Why? If anything they should be the ones I could care less about lying to because they’re the ones who know me the best. Well, because of exactly that, they know me best, and therefore I can’t muster up the courage to stand up for myself. So instead, I’ve been suckered into caring too much about others and their s*** to have time to care about my own.

I sit here wanting to regain what I’ve slowly let go of, which is why I imagine what it would be like to sit with my old therapist again. She was a gem of a lady and I know she would be looking at me with a slight grin, wondering why I havent been applying all that she once taught me. It’s hard to not fall back into old ways when you dont have someone who knows better guiding you. In only 12 short sessions she changed my entire thought process around. I guess I should be happy that it took 9 years to regress a bit. Regardless, I live in Jersey now and she’s in Florida. I would know how to look for her for a hopeful Zoom meeting even if I wanted to.

This is when it is time to do the work myself. I need to remind myself of the tools I was once given and I must put them to use if I want to get back to who I was before moving back. It was easier back then when Ilibed in Florida and didnt live around many people I was really close to. Moving away from home and making friends made it easy to be my authentic self without much guilt, therefore it was easy to break free from the chains of codependency. Being home, among everyone I grew up with, it’s hard for me to really place myself first. I’m struggling hard with this, and in the process I’m beginning to lose much of what I managed to work so inwardly hard for. My inner work is what I value most at this stage in my life and there isn’t anything that I want to mess that up because in doing so, I’d be taking a huge leap back. That’s a leap I refuse take.

Duh, Idiot! Let Go!

~ Natal Galvan

I was going over my range of feelings on my way to work today. With all of the unexpectedness that has been going on in my life, complete random s*** that has been throwing me slightly off, I’ve been thrown off kilter yet I still managed to regain my footing. At first I was thinking how much the universe has been loving toying around with me lately. Like if it were some huge kid poking me with a twig to see what I’d do. But my thinking was so off about that. Here’s what I mean, I read my own tarot cards. I follow my own spiritual advisor (or two). I do a lot of inner work. As of late I have been receiving signs pretty much telling me that I need to let go, I need to move towards the path of least resistance, just go with the flow. Although I swore I thought that I already was, my mind was playing tricks on me. I wasn’t. I realized on my way to work today that the universe is throwing me all of these twists and turns because it’s forcing me to let go of control. The universe is trying to force me to let go of everything and just let it all be. It’s strange to realize when you’ve been missing such an obvious message. You feel foolish by not seeing it. In reality when you are so close to the situation how could you see it? That’s like standing nose to screen to the TV and expecting to see the whole picture. So I got the message loud and clear. I know that my life is about to go in some crazy new direction. I can feel it. The vibes are there, the air is thick with the newness. Hence all of the disruption in what my normal day to day is. It’s because of all this newness that my old routine must change. During times of evolving one must always check and get rid of the old. So instead of me trying to control even the small things I am literally putting my feet up, leaning back, and not doing a damn thing. I am just going to be here to receive and to be open to all opportunities that will be thrown my way.

Wrap Me Up in Bubble Wrap

~ Natal Galvan

I’m still not used to all the twists and turns and surprising drops that life sometimes takes, however I am getting much better at being able to deal with them without freaking out. I’m still struggling in regards to patiently dealing when other people’s life choices, decisions, and moods affect my day-to-day living or routine. I don’t have a lot of consistency in my life so I cherish the few routines I do have. They are the only times I can really count on to bringing me back to my center. They have become my zen moments. They have become the times that I can count on to escape and get away when need be. When other people disrupt that, it really truly grinds my gears.

In the last few weeks I have found myself countless times having to grit my teeth, bite my tongue, suppress any real opinion for fear of offending feelings. I have a lot of patience for such things because honestly, not everybody deserves to hear a true opinion. Not everyone can take it. Not everybody wants to hear it. “We were born with two ears to listen and one mouth to speak with, that’s two times the listening!” Isn’t that how the saying goes? Well, it is true to be. I am okay with it not always being about me, and having to share opinions or experiences without being asked. But soon patience starts running thin especially when those same people that you’re constantly interacting with start messing with your mojo, and when I mean “mojo” I mean my sacred routines.

I’m going to say that currently in my life there are three major players, which I won’t mention who they are. Each one of these major characters one way or another pull the strings to my puppet, meaning me. It is true when I say that I definitely feel I have regressed back into some of my old codependency ways. Some of those ways being, me not ever wanting to say no, or wanting let others down. Another way being that I do love to rescue and help and make people feel as though they’re being saved, that they’re okay and in good hands. I empty my cup, and empty it until there is no more, and still try to give from my empty cup. Before you know it I am at my wits end about to rip my hair out because I am depleted and drained and don’t know how to get myself out and back into drinking from my own cup again.

The last couple of days I have found much more “me” time and in that time I have concluded that if I want to take reins of my own life again and control the direction in which my future is going, then I definitely have to put my foot down. I started to be more of my authentic self. I make sure that before I leave the house in the morning I imagine myself covering myself from head to toe in thick bubble wrap. This bubble wrap is to deflect any and all sorts of negativity that could come my way, bouncing it right off of me. I have started to note when conflicting situations arise and instead of allowing myself to get caught up in the emotion and feed into it, I just say no more, turn around, and walk away.

I need to really reiterate to myself that I do not need to deal with other people’s shit. When I do, that is when I start losing my life and start living theirs. Regardless of who it is and how much love I have for them, this life experience is a short one and I came here to experience it fully for myself. I need to have that reminder in the back of my mind because it is a very strong and important message. If you’re asking me , it’s actually the most important one in my opinion.

Inner Work

~ Natal Galvan

It’s been over a decade that I’ve been working on myself from the inside out. From exercising shadow work to learning new spiritual practicies, I’ve taken a lot of time in getting to know myself as much as possible. In my honest opinion, it’s what truly matters most, enhancing the inside. My journey has had its up as well as downs of course, but it has all been more than well worth it.

I am one to always embrace change and love evolving. It amazes me when I come across questions, reflective questions that really make me dig deep within myself, questions that I feel like I should automatically know the answer to because I’m dealing with myself, but yet, I don’t even have the faintest idea of what the answer truly is. It could take me days to answer a question that is posed upon me. I find that fascinating. What is even more so, are always the answers because they’re never the initial answer that I start with. As I continue digging, the real underlying answers arise, and that’s where the truth of the matter is really embedded.

It started with a small article on finances and how to work on money blocks which led me into a rabbit hole of, well, myself really. Everyday can give you a slight nudge into self discovery you’re open to it. Tonight’s nudge led me into a day dream of future deliciousness to be had. All it takes is a dream, a thought, to produce enough momentum to achieve what you want. It’s really as easy as that.

Knowledge of What’s Around You

~ Natal Galvan

Awareness. It’s not a skill many people have. I would go as far as to call it a gift because for some I don’t think it could be taught. It is something so common and present, because awareness just is, yet most of your everyday people don’t seem to grasp it, let alone execute it.

In a society in which we are continously moving from one thing to the next, all of which is selfishly acted upon, how could one be aware if the only focal point is that of yourself? Now don’t get me wrong I believe in being selfish. I believe that because people aren’t selfish enough, that is why we find so much anxiety, depression, stress, and inadequacy among people today. But one can be selfish and still be aware. I do believe that awareness will not only give you a bit of a leg up in life in some cases, but will also help avoid unwanted situations. Not to mention people have a level of respect for those who are aware.

Countless frustrating situations could be completely avoided if at least one person would have been aware in any given situation. By being unaware you’re more at risk to find yourself in an unpleasant situation, not only for yourself but others as well. It has the potential to help us through even during the most mundane of events, to those that are more life altering. By being present and aware, we are able to maneuver around life with a bit more ease.

To bring a bit more awareness into my life I took up meditation, and although thats been a bit of a struggle, I can already see a difference in myself and how I handle most situations. Since I’ve been working hard on that, I now see it more often the lack that there is of it within my peers. It’s not my journey to go around preaching the power of awareness. Not at this time anyways. I myself am a student still diving into these lessons, but one cant help to naturally notice that there is a lack of it in society. It’s not heartbreaking. Like I mentioned earlier, everyone has their own journey and we are each at various different stages in our growing process. I have faith that little by little the world is awakening to new ways of thought and in that, they’ll unlock their own sense of awareness.

The New Addition

~ Natal Galvan

The Universe has gifted me a new furry friend. Her name is Margo, named after one of my most favorite movies, Fargo, and I’ve had her now for a couple of months. She started as a foster and as we all grew to love her, especially my sister’s pup, I saw no other choice but to adopt her. It came at a great time, too, because next month is the commencement of the anniversaries of so many losses last year. I lost four very important souls to me, two of which were closer to me than anything else in the world. One passed away on me due to old age. One passed totally unexpectedly only after 6 years of being apart of my life. Another died due to a long battle with disease, and the fourth passed by choice, alone in summer Florida woods, only to be found months later by an unsuspecting wanderer.

Last year was riddled with unease for me. It seemed as though one month after the next after the next there was something for me to brace for. It is of no surprise as to why as time went on, I slowly started to pull away, to find peace in solitude. Some say that misery loves company, and where I do see that being true in most cases, it was not true for mine. Misery, for me, calls for alone time, solitude. I don’t care to be around anyone else but myself in order to work out the issues that I am going through. I’ve never been one to speak of any personal negativities, and I leave the come up stories for later on in life. I don’t like calling attention to myself or situations that I find myself in especially those of sorrow. I’m not one to push my sadness or worries, stresses and frustrations, on to others. My journals work for me as an outlet to work things through. My furry friends work for me in ways of emotional support. They’re unconditional love and loyalty is so great that it wraps me up in a warm blanket leaving me feeling cared for.

Margo is a 2 year old mixed breed from Georgia with only Chihuahua being what we know of her true make up. Funny because I’ve always disliked Chi’s and have always said to myself that it would be the last dog breed on Earth I’d buy into. Talk about manifesting and attraction!! But that’s a totally different topic to write about. Although Margo had to leave behind her 8 puppies, she has brought so much love and spunk to this home. Shes become my little buddy. I couldn’t be happier, and by the looks of it, neither could she.

Keeping Quiet

~ Natal Galvan

“Most men are so thoroughly subjective that nothing really interests them but themselves. They always think of their own case as soon as ever any remark is made, and their whole attention is engrossed and absorbed by the merest chance reference to anything which affects them personally, be it never so remote.” -Arthur Schopenhauer

I read this quote and I immediately thought of myself. It is true, that when those around me are tellibging their tales, my brain can’t help but attach personal stories to the words they speak. It’s almost like I’m bursting at the seams, yet trying to be patient, waiting for them to finish, just so that I can participate and share my own experiences. But why? Why is it that we have such a need to intrude on other people’s moment? Maybe not so much intruding, but that urge of sharing.

I’m slowly learning that not only do I not have to always share my own stories, but I also don’t always have to offer up my advice. I’m learning to speak a lot less. If someone is genuine and wanting any of these from me, then they’ll ask. I’m noting that by allowing others to speak freely without interruption from me, they obviously share more. The less I speak, the more I learn about them.

Another true point is the less I offer up, the less I feel rejected. I can’t mention how many times, while trying to participate in a conversation, my comments go unacknowledged. It’s never a good feeling when you feel like no one’s really listening to you. But again, without allowing for those to ask me, I’m only putting myself out there for a possible rejection.

People love to talk and in their world it’s about them. So I’m learning to speak less. As an observer I absorb much more by doing that, which is doing nothing, only listen. It’s incredible the amount that you learn about others or your surroundings by simply keeping quiet.

Travel Detours

~ Natal Galvan

Leave it to what was supposed to be a fun and adventurous overseas trip, to have you come home feeling unbalanced and slightly defeated, and it is not to be for the reasons you would think.

A week of fun is what it was supposed to be. The first half of the week was to be a bit more relaxing under the Florida sun. A bit of beach time mixed in with some booze and good food was all it was meant to be for the four of us. Each traveler, carrying far more weight than what was contained in their luggage, were anxiously awaiting this mini getaway from the harsh realities of a cold Jersey life. Now looking back at it, I guess it wasn’t a total shock that by day two of this 4-day excursion the group had let a small ripple course between them. Not all was lost, and we were able to enjoy the last full day we had together as a unit, but no matter. The air felt thick and I was very much ready to get to the latter half of my vacation, the one I was really waiting for.

A four-day music festival in the capital of Colombia, Bogota with over a hundred bands and DJs from all over the world were set to perform on this little trip. I had never been to anything of the sort, and I would be lying to you if I said that I wasn’t at all nervous about going. Months prior I had been invited by a good friend of mine and since then I had talked another good friend of mine to tag along with me. She was also tagging along on the first half of the trip to Florida, we needless to say, I was comfortable with leaving the good ol’ USA to head to a an “out of this world” experience. Being 36, who knew if I’d ever get a chance like this again, especially at an age that is still deemed “acceptable” for me to attend. With a bit of a rocky start to this week’s travel endeavors, I was stoked to be flying somewhere totally new. After our 4 am, hour long drive to the airport, we excitedly exited our Uber and headed inside to the terminal. Our excitement lasted for what seemed only a breath for the second we arrived at the front desk that moment of happiness was snatched up by one young lady simply doing her job.

Again, hindsight is a little bitch, because looking back, it all almost seemed too easy. We had arrived at the airport with more than plenty of time. There was no line to wait into so as soon as we printed out our baggage tickets, we were able to move right through to the very front. The girl who called us up was pleasant enough for it being so early in the morning, not to mention when we initially walked in, she was having trouble with an irate customer. She swiftly moved through all our paperwork without a hiccup, and finally with our suitcases on the baggage belt, it was at this very moment the air had been sucked out of us.

“Ok ladies, lastly I just need to see your proof of COVID vaccination card or proof of a negative test please.”

It seemed like I stared at her for a full 20 seconds before asking her what she meant, as if I hadn’t known what she meant. Was I subconsciously stalling? Most likely. I mean I didn’t have my card on me, no test, and neither did my friend. NEITHER of us had thought to look since both of us had already flown to multiple countries by this point without ever being asked for documentation. Naively, we both had thought this entire COVID shit had blown over. After dancing around with the girl for a couple of minutes in regard to what our options were, we decided to allow her to reschedule our flights for free for the very next day, in hopes that we’d be able to find some place to test within those 24hrs. Testing wasn’t going to be the problem, getting the results back in time was. Regardless, we were turned away without a way to fly, and as we sat in the airport deciding what to do next, I couldn’t help but admire our composure. Most people in our shoes would have lost their shit, and although I wanted to scream due to our stupidity of the situation, I couldn’t. I didn’t blame the airline for not sending out a reminder email that this destination was a “COVID Restricted Access” location or whatever. I couldn’t blame the friend who had invited us for not mentioning it, even if he had been flying back and forth to Colombia just recently. At the end of it all, it was our own fault.

To make a VERY long story short, we were not going to receive our results in time, and although we still took it just in case, we decided to make moves in case such was to happen. Which it did.

In our hastened (and very tired) state of mind, we ended up booking an Airbnb that was NOT what was advertised. This was the cherry on our nightmare sundae because when we arrived we completely deflated. The neighborhood was sketchy to say the least, with about 20 stray cats littering the roads, sidewalks, and driveways. Broken down cars and barred up windows decorated the, what was described to be as, a “quaint” neighborhood. Inside it was dark, dirty, and musty, not at all like the beautifully bright “cottage” stated in the ad. Even opening up all the windows didn’t help this place. There was a huge rat trap under the bathroom sink. The handles on most of the drawers throughout the place were broken or completely missing. Duct tape framed the door leading outside, most likely to help keep out the pests, and while we tried to make the most of this place, there was just no way that we’d be able to stay 4 nights here. Zero.

It was the moment that my friend and I looked at each other, our eyes meeting over top of the overused, grungy brown leather couch, that we decided to not let this ruin our trip. Since the airport, we had been firm in our decision to make the most of it, and this Airbnb was not going to make up for us missing our music festival. We put not only our funds but also our thinking caps together and made moves to turn this vacation around. We booked an affordable hotel in St. Pete, rented a car, and came up with a game plan. On our drive from the Airbnb to the hotel we did research on places to site see, as well as restaurants, bars, etc. Throughout our unexpected St. Pete 4 night stay we did all that and more.

Was this week what I expected? Was it what I thought I wanted? Nope. Not by the least bit. Can I say that maybe it was more of what I needed? Sure. Maybe I didn’t need to go into my work season with a bang? Maybe this wasn’t the time for me to enjoy my most authentic self under a barrage of musical artists and slight consumption of hallucinogenic goodies. On my way home from Florida, I discovered that what was supposed to be my flight back home from Bogota to Tampa was actually cancelled, meaning that if I had gone to Colombia, I would have been stranded coming home. The kicker was that even though my friend and I had been flying on the same flight, it was only my ticket that had been canceled, not my friend’s ticket. Could it have been fate that stood in our way that morning we were to fly out? I’m not a believer in coincidences. I am, however, a believer at looking at the glass half full. This entire ordeal could have been worse by simply allowing for external shit to affect my internal world. It was not easy, in fact, I arrived home more exhausted than if I would have spent the 4 days at the music festival. It was a test in emotional and mental strength, and I feel as though I passed with flying colors. Although in the very thickness of it I did not see what good would come, I now know that it’s moments like those that make up what is life’s real adventure.

Losing A Buddy: Pets

~ Natal Galvan

I knew that the passing of my 19 yr old dog was imminent. I braced for it, probably coming to terms with it much earlier than most would have. When I got my cat Stella, I figured he would be such a support. And he was…for 3 months and then he, too, died.

There are things that I still cannot get used to, and I never realized how hard it truly would be. Not just normal routines now broken, such as daily feedings and walks. Or calling out for them randomly just to hear their paws against the floors coming out towards you. Or even hearing their name out loud, because now, there isn’t any of that either. But, for instance, I notice that I now leave a pile of clothes at the foot of my bed, something I’ve never done before. You could always find Stella there at the very end of every night until the moment he felt me stir awake in the morning. It’s a weird feeling not feeling his big, warm body there against my toes when I’m stretching out. I can only expect that is the very reason why I’ve now been randomly leaving piles of whatever where he once laid.

I now always see movements in my peripheral where I felt like my dog once walked. It’s almost like I see a furry, white, blurry ball of cotton moving around. I look, and for a split second, I see her staring up at me, head cocked to the side, wondering who knows what. But that’s a mirage. She’s not there, nor will she be. It’s like my mind and body are still catching up to what my heart has come to already accept.

I knew that losing a pet would be hard. Losing both was soul crushing. Sometimes life feels a little empty, as if I no longer have a real purpose to be stable anymore. I’ve been filling up my time with a bit more of me time, which falls in alignment with winter and hibernation season. I’ve gotten to go on a couple extra little adventures and have also done a bit of splurging on myself. I hadn’t realized how much money it took raising my babies. Yet, none of that is comforting in moments when I wish so bad they were back here and annoying the shit out of me. Stella always bumping his fuzzy, soft-ball sized head against my hand any time I wrote. Melita barking at me to toss her the toy she only brought halfway towards me.

People ask me all the time, “Am I ready for another dose of pawppy love??” Sure. There’s nothing like it. But I’m not searching. I have a feeling my next four legged best bud is going to find me, so in the mean time, I’m just here hanging out, getting used to the new norm until it no longer is. It is obvious that I will never forget my two little beanies and that the love I hold for them will live in me forever. There’s talk about a rainbow bridge at the end of this short journey, and that’s where we reunite with all of those we love who have also met the end of their journey, that’s including our beloved pets. Not that I’m rushing, but I look forward to the day I get to bury my face in theirs, enjoying their company once again.

The Universe, A Trickster

~ Natal Galvan

The Universe has one hell of a humor. For instance, I loathe waking up before the sun is up. For whatever reason since a child, I’ve had to get up ridiculously early, be it for school during the week, or, if school was out, to get to the babysitter’s house before mom went into her 5am shift. I wouldn’t say there’s trauma, but I’ve definitely developed a distaste for getting up early, especially for things that I have to do versus want to do.

Anyways, in the last couple of days, I’ve been diving a bit deeper into some self-discovery. I took my days off this week and dedicated that time to me, and during this time I decided to look into what yoga classes my local studio had available. I was excited to see that they had a 6am class on the morning I was to go back to work, and although I dislike getting up so early, with a late start time for work, why not? I love yoga. There’s not much motivation needed to get me to go, it’s timing that usually gets in the way. So I decided that I would wake up and get to that 6am Power Yoga class to begin the start of my work week off right. I set up all I’d needed the night before, clothes, mat, work gear, etc had some tea before bed, an earlier bedtime than usual to avoid being cranky. I was all set and ready to go.

My alarm goes off. An angelic little ringtone I set as to not be jolted awake by too harsh of an alarm. I decided the night before to set my phone across the room so that I would have to get out of bed to turn it off. Leaving it next to my bed just leaves me, still, too comfortable to get out of bed until I absolutely have to. I tumble out of bed, and only half consciously get ready for my class. It’s not until about 15 mins later that I then take a glance at my phone and see a text message from an unsaved number. Not crazy since I just recently lost my phone on a trip to Jamaica and lost all of my contacts. As I open the message and read on, it states that the 6am Power Yoga class has been canceled due to a medical emergency. This is why I know the Universe is a prankster, and I don’t know who got a bigger laugh, her or me.

I did not find myself going back to bed, and not because I wouldn’t have but because I had already had a morning coffee and for me, there is no coming back from that. Instead, I now sit in front of my journal and create a bit. I think back to yesterday and how I had just read an article on how to make the most of your days. In one point it mentioned how waking up at 5am is beneficial to getting more out of your day as well as creating a healthier sleep cycle. I crack a smile at this because this is no coincidence.

For me, the biggest bummer of this was the fact that I was in the middle of finishing up a dream. Ironically, at the point that my alarm went off, I was saying ‘goodbye’ to all of those who helped me on my journey, or at least that’s what it felt like. I do remember that I was able to say bye to the two who guided me the most, or again, that’s what it felt like. The first was a woman, her hair pinned back at the sides like a 1940s war nurse. She wore a thin white silky, dress, with flowers embroidered on the hem of the skirt part. She was taller than me, slim, and hugged me tight as we said our goodbyes. As she pulled away tearfully walks away, she says to me, “Don’t forget your mother isn’t the only one who took care of you…” and her voice trails away. I’m then quickly distracted because I feel the urgency of having to say bye to the others. I see a young man; it was obvious that our hearts tugged for one another. As I make my way to him, I push past a ‘better’ looking chap who is trying to half-ass give me a kiss. He feels embarrassed but I don’t care. His vibe was “Gaston” ish from Beauty and the Beast. I move right past him and his inflated ego and wrap my arms tightly around ‘my’ guy, taking him by surprise. He seems sad, as he knew this day was coming. I hold him tight and say, “Thank you.” Looking over his shoulder I see an older man, standing in the distance. He seemed wiser. He patiently waited for his turn to say his farewells. Then, all of the sudden, like air being vacuumed out, I woke up to my alarm.

The feeling I came out with was that of wanting to have been given the chance to say bye to the others. Yet, I was content with being able to see the two that I did. Who were they? It was as if we all knew I wasn’t supposed to be there forever, wherever “there” is. I’m a firm believer in receiving messages through our dreams. I may not know exactly what this morning’s dream message was exactly, but I’ve got a feeling that I’ll be moving into a different phase of my life quite shortly.