Author: Natal Galvan

Learning to Nurture Relationships

~ Natal Galvan

I don’t know shit about life. All I know is that I know nothing really. My 20’s started off with me knowing exactly what life was about and how to work around it. I quickly learned that there isn’t a way to work around life. You’ve got to work with it. That means you need to live day to day observing what goes on around you. This is how you learn to maneuver your way along with life and the obstacles (lessons) that are bestowed upon us on a day to day basis.

As I was on my way to the grocery store today, I was in a more pensive state of mind than usual. My mind bounced from one topic to the next, and as I thought, I couldn’t help but observe one constant thread creating a link between all of them. The theme being “relationships” and with each fresh new subject that coursed through my mind, I noticed how bonds that we create with others (or lack thereof) really can make or break a situation.

Growing up I was accustomed to watching adults around me be evasive with their friends and even family members. They would ignore phone calls, constantly rescheduled plans that were previously made, and always seemed bothered at having to socialize with others who so badly wanted to socialize with them. It is no wonder that I’ve developed into more of a “right here right now” type of person. I connect with others in the present moment, but once you’re out of my sight, it is what is in front of me that I focus on, not on trying to maintain what was. Unlike my pets or plants, I don’t know how to cultivate and nurture friendships, and with how technology is, it is easier for others to point that out. Now more than ever it is easy to stay in contact with people no matter the distance. Yet in doing so, I feel that it is almost like having to trade your personal freedom and time for making sure others feel important. To me, it feels as though the advancement in technology and being able to stay connected with others has made relationship building a tedious job, something I have to make sure to check off my list, instead of it being something that is naturally sparked in me to do.

There is a level of feeling personally attacked that people feel if you’re not one to participate as often in the every day social connection. I can tell you that as someone who has FB and IG, the fact that I am not constantly liking posts, properly tagging people in pictures, commenting on life events be it minor or major, it has been talked about and brought to my attention. Only those who really know who I am understand that I am not one to be attached to hip to my phone. I could lose my phone and it’ll take me days before even going to the store to replace it because I could care less about having it. If it was not because everything in life is attached to my phone, I’d just as easily have a house line.

So, am I like this because I’ve been conditioned to be so after witnessing those around me do the same? Am I a product of my generation, where I became stuck to how easy things in life were before? Regardless, I know that relationships are important, and I am understanding that although I may not be the greatest at keeping up socially, I have to do a better job at it, even if it is in my own way. Connections are important and to maintain those connections you must put forth time and energy into them. Sure, you may not want to be measured against today’s social standards, but it is still important to show those you love that you do. It’s either invest the time and energy now while you have it or living a deafening life of loneliness and misery later.

365 Days: A Different World

~ Natal Galvan

Most of us adults absolutely hate time for its rapid passing. It’s easy to understand why since with every tic of that clock we progressively get older, eventually leading us to a state of non-physical existence. For me, with every moment that passes I see it as a transformation in its slowest form. Maybe I feel the way that I do because the kind of transformation I see is one of positivity and growth, yet sometimes this growth can be unexpected and painful. This is when we can become frustrated and impatient with what newness is to come no matter how grand the newness might be.

It’s been officially 2 weeks since I left my job. While at first, I was busy with plans, both exciting and stressful, I really had no time to think about the events that has transpired at work. Today I woke up a bit pissed off. Today was the first day that I actually thought to myself, “What the fuck happened and WHY?”

When I first began working for my boss, it was at a time when I was looking to make a little bit of extra cash without getting too serious about the work. At the time I was working for my boyfriend, and although it was going ok, I wanted to branch out and do something different. This was during the time of lock-down and its coming to an end. Businesses were opening but with stimulus checks still being dished out like hot cakes, no one was applying. It was on a random day after my sister arrived home from her job that she mentioned how incredibly short staffed they were in the kitchen and that they desperately needed help especially with summer right around the corner. I had no experience other than a couple short years of vocational culinary school under my belt, but as I always say, I’m always up for a new challenge, and so I interviewed.

It was the following week that I began my new job. I was only to work one day a week to start, which was perfect for me. I had told myself and everyone else that I wouldn’t be working there for too long, but that for the moment it was satisfying. It wasn’t long before this perfect little plan came crumbling down when it was almost immediately that my boss lost 2 other employees unexpectedly, increasing my shifts to one day a week to 4. It wasn’t soon after that, with the summer season in full swing that I was increased to full-time, 5 days a week shifts. I couldn’t help but feeling like a fish out of water, but in no time, I was keeping up and really excelling. My work was being executed much better than I imagined. I could feel how proud my boss was of me, which in turn gave me a boost of confidence and energy. With only a revolving door of people joining our team, it felt as though my boss and I were truly a 2 man show. We built a strong work relationship that turned into a family-ship, or so I thought.

I have always said how a in a year so much can change. Plans you thought you had cemented can fade away with the wave of the Universe’s hand, and in a blink of an eye, you become lost along your path. This is exactly what happened in my case. After a year of working for my company, I felt like a star. My boss and I had talks about future business plans. I felt like I had been gifted a role-model, someone to guide me on my financial journey. During slow times, we’d talk about stocks, investing, real estate, you name it. By this point he had hired a cousin of a family friend to work with us. He was what you would call your typical line cook. I won’t go into many details of the kind of person this was other than his struggles were heavily worn on his being, and although he was a chore to work alongside of, one couldn’t help but feel bad for the guy. Little did I know was that in time, I would be feeling sorry for myself.

To make a very long story short an entire evolution happened in that kitchen. This new hire created a different set of issues I never once saw coming. After him came quite a few new hires. Some didn’t stay longer than a training period. Some lasted a bit longer but not by much. All left because of this guy and his brash, unpredictable personality. Eventually, replacements came for those who quit, but instead of starting them alongside of this guy, my boss started them in what was known to be as my position at the time, and he moved me back with him. I was being demoted in the name of saving new hires. Now, I wasn’t told I was being demoted, no. Nor was it implied. It was made to seem as though I was moving up with just a little less of the responsibility, the responsibility that I grew to love, the responsibility I felt happily anchored to. It was like taking a genius from his advanced classes and tossing him into a special needs program. I was not being challenged therefore there was no passion anymore. I felt as though I was mainly babysitting this employee, being given menial duties, while those that got hired after me were being trained in sections of the job that I hadn’t even been taught yet. As time progressed, my inner spirit dimmed, and where before I couldn’t wait to get to work, for it at times was my saving grace from homelife, work soon became torture.

A month and a half, it took, before I put in my 2 weeks’ notice. It wasn’t even a choice but more of being pushed into a corner. When on one hand you can continue working in an unhappy work environment and on the other you’ve got the opportunity to leave in order to be happy, there is no choice in the matter. I chose happiness. What is so heartbreaking to me is that my boss never chose me. It was disappointing the first time I addressed my unhappiness to my boss and I barely felt the compassion. It was even more devastating when I decided to put in my notice and him not even once asking me if there was anything he could do to keep that from being the case. The only notation of him even remotely caring was his final text to me saying, “I’m sorry to see you go but you’ve got to do what’s best for you,” meanwhile, what I felt what was best for me was for him to not let me leave. Not one inquiry was made on my behalf as to why I was leaving. It was as if it was a hidden reality no one wanted to go into detail about. In total this person whom he chose over me had a tally of 4 employees quitting due to him, and my boss (ex-boss) was fine with keeping him. Had he not remembered all the time, effort, and dedication I put into that place? I guess not when you have new people coming in that are just as good as I was.

The slap in the face came a few days after I left. His wife, business partner, reached out to me to thank me for the time I gave them (insert huge eye roll here). I can appreciate a nice gesture as such, but to me this was the biggest load of boloney, and it was all coming out of the mouth of the person it shouldn’t have. Her main focal point is manning the front, not the kitchen. It would have been proper for my boss to have reached out and said something nice like that.

In all reality, I know my timer ran out for that job. I know that I was not meant to be a line cook forever, and that there are bigger and better opportunities waiting for me. I also know life doesn’t just close one door without leaving at least a window open for you. I may not have been mentally prepared for having to leave, but I did, and I am happy for my decision. What I wish was for a bit more compassion from the person who I grew to love like family. Sometimes we have to come to understand that it’s those very people who you build an unexpectedly tight bond with that are going to create the heartaches you so desperately try to avoid. Although this was a tough experience for me to go through, it does not tarnish my shine, nor do I feel stifled in allowing for new people and experiences to come in. I will forever try my hardest and push to do my best, not for anyone else but for myself, and when the time comes for the experience to end, I will show myself the gratitude and compassion that other’s I feel should have and did not. I’ll take this lesson and put it in my back pocket so that later on in life I don’t make the same mistakes that were made with me.

Go With The Signs

~ Natal Galvan

No matter how much some of us may practice awareness and staying present, we may not always manage to succeed at it. We are human and as a society we do tend at times to get lost in the day-to-day routine of life. Being more aware and remaining present allows for us to deal with things in our immediate moments of life without too much distraction, which also allows for us to see when the Universe is sending us a signal or when our intuition speaks to us. Yes, we may get preoccupied with things not so important, what really doesn’t matter, but I think most times we don’t see the signs because we don’t really want to believe they’re there.

“Give me a signal!” begs Bruce, a character played by Jim Carrey in the movie Bruce Almighty. It’s a line from one of my favorite scenes in the film, a scene that humorously depicts when life is flashing us warning signs, and we are just too caught up to notice. In this scene Bruce is driving on wet roads, asking God to give him a sign as to what to do in life. What he doesn’t notice is that literally every sign he comes across be it on a traffic sign or strapped to the back of a pickup truck, are all cautioning him, telling him to slow down. Out of frustration he then aggressively drives around the truck, only to then seconds later cause himself an accident, and this is of course the part where he becomes Bruce Almighty.

I’m currently going through a situation where for a couple of months now it has been pointed out to me one way or the other by the Universe that a certain chapter of my life was coming to a close. I didn’t want to see it, and so I didn’t. For almost 2 months I felt as though I was swimming upstream. Every day of my life I felt slighted in one way or another. I felt as though I wasn’t being utilized to my full potential and slowly resentment started building. Once that started, the law of attraction quickly took over and it was an inevitable cycle of misery. I was miserable because certain things in life weren’t aligning, and things weren’t aligning in my life because I was miserable. This was all coming after I felt life had slowly begun to settle down for me a bit. A fierce wind came and blew me off my feet, sending me into a tailspin of not knowing where exactly I belonged anymore.

In a moment of unease, I tend to take a few days to myself to feel it set in. I get a little depressed, lay around, and although I’d like to think I’m actually paying attention to what I put on the t.v screen before me, I know it’s just to truly space out. Eventually I snap out of it. I feel my way through the misery until I’m numb, but eventually I come to my senses and begin to do the inner work. This time I came to the conclusion that the reason I was struggling so much was because I simply wasn’t ready to move on. It seemed to me as though I had outgrown the situation. Once where there was an initial reason for me to be where I was, that reason was no longer there, and as the purpose slipped through my fingers, I couldn’t see any other to replace it. My compass had been chaotically pointing in one direction, yet I had been pushing towards holding on to the place I currently stood. The funny part of it all? It was a situation I knew would come to an end. There really was no “moving up”, and regardless, I had begun the journey more to help others than for myself. It had been a year and a half since then and it’s been about a year longer than I had anticipated.

I blame my ego for having such a hard time with seeing things for what they really are. I’m sure it is more about pride than anything else. I was being squeezed out and I just couldn’t let it happen because I hadn’t been the one to initiate it. It hadn’t been my idea, it just happened. As I stumbled through the realization of the role I’ve been playing in my own misery, I began to take control over what I could. I since then have opted out of being in a situation that no longer suits me. It would be foolish to continue to try to force it. I’m instead using the free time I’ll now have to pursue other interests that have long since been on my mind and never had the time to. I’m taking this change as a real blessing, an answered prayer, a moment to utilize my time to further my interests and passions. I must take advantage because it’s not every day where people can find themselves in such a lucky situation… and realize it.

Co-Dep Relapse

~ Natal Galvan

I’d kill to see my old therapist again. Let me just add this is definitely a figure of speech. I’ve never kill anyone to see my old therapist again, but as the saying goes to express, I do miss her.

Codependency relapse. It only took me about 9 years but I’ve slowly been slipping back into those self-destructive ways. I’m becoming a people pleaser once again, putting everyone else first instead of my own happiness. I’ve been finding it so difficult to say “no” when every cell in my body is screaming out what I really want to do. What are my goals? What do I really want?

As of late, I’ve been finding hidden, stolen moments of “me” time. It’s currently the best way to fill my cup back up without offending anyone. It’s crazy how in even that I’m too much of a (beep) to even tell those closest to me that I need alone time. Why? If anything they should be the ones I could care less about lying to because they’re the ones who know me the best. Well, because of exactly that, they know me best, and therefore I can’t muster up the courage to stand up for myself. So instead, I’ve been suckered into caring too much about others and their s*** to have time to care about my own.

I sit here wanting to regain what I’ve slowly let go of, which is why I imagine what it would be like to sit with my old therapist again. She was a gem of a lady and I know she would be looking at me with a slight grin, wondering why I havent been applying all that she once taught me. It’s hard to not fall back into old ways when you dont have someone who knows better guiding you. In only 12 short sessions she changed my entire thought process around. I guess I should be happy that it took 9 years to regress a bit. Regardless, I live in Jersey now and she’s in Florida. I would know how to look for her for a hopeful Zoom meeting even if I wanted to.

This is when it is time to do the work myself. I need to remind myself of the tools I was once given and I must put them to use if I want to get back to who I was before moving back. It was easier back then when Ilibed in Florida and didnt live around many people I was really close to. Moving away from home and making friends made it easy to be my authentic self without much guilt, therefore it was easy to break free from the chains of codependency. Being home, among everyone I grew up with, it’s hard for me to really place myself first. I’m struggling hard with this, and in the process I’m beginning to lose much of what I managed to work so inwardly hard for. My inner work is what I value most at this stage in my life and there isn’t anything that I want to mess that up because in doing so, I’d be taking a huge leap back. That’s a leap I refuse take.

Duh, Idiot! Let Go!

~ Natal Galvan

I was going over my range of feelings on my way to work today. With all of the unexpectedness that has been going on in my life, complete random s*** that has been throwing me slightly off, I’ve been thrown off kilter yet I still managed to regain my footing. At first I was thinking how much the universe has been loving toying around with me lately. Like if it were some huge kid poking me with a twig to see what I’d do. But my thinking was so off about that. Here’s what I mean, I read my own tarot cards. I follow my own spiritual advisor (or two). I do a lot of inner work. As of late I have been receiving signs pretty much telling me that I need to let go, I need to move towards the path of least resistance, just go with the flow. Although I swore I thought that I already was, my mind was playing tricks on me. I wasn’t. I realized on my way to work today that the universe is throwing me all of these twists and turns because it’s forcing me to let go of control. The universe is trying to force me to let go of everything and just let it all be. It’s strange to realize when you’ve been missing such an obvious message. You feel foolish by not seeing it. In reality when you are so close to the situation how could you see it? That’s like standing nose to screen to the TV and expecting to see the whole picture. So I got the message loud and clear. I know that my life is about to go in some crazy new direction. I can feel it. The vibes are there, the air is thick with the newness. Hence all of the disruption in what my normal day to day is. It’s because of all this newness that my old routine must change. During times of evolving one must always check and get rid of the old. So instead of me trying to control even the small things I am literally putting my feet up, leaning back, and not doing a damn thing. I am just going to be here to receive and to be open to all opportunities that will be thrown my way.

Wrap Me Up in Bubble Wrap

~ Natal Galvan

I’m still not used to all the twists and turns and surprising drops that life sometimes takes, however I am getting much better at being able to deal with them without freaking out. I’m still struggling in regards to patiently dealing when other people’s life choices, decisions, and moods affect my day-to-day living or routine. I don’t have a lot of consistency in my life so I cherish the few routines I do have. They are the only times I can really count on to bringing me back to my center. They have become my zen moments. They have become the times that I can count on to escape and get away when need be. When other people disrupt that, it really truly grinds my gears.

In the last few weeks I have found myself countless times having to grit my teeth, bite my tongue, suppress any real opinion for fear of offending feelings. I have a lot of patience for such things because honestly, not everybody deserves to hear a true opinion. Not everyone can take it. Not everybody wants to hear it. “We were born with two ears to listen and one mouth to speak with, that’s two times the listening!” Isn’t that how the saying goes? Well, it is true to be. I am okay with it not always being about me, and having to share opinions or experiences without being asked. But soon patience starts running thin especially when those same people that you’re constantly interacting with start messing with your mojo, and when I mean “mojo” I mean my sacred routines.

I’m going to say that currently in my life there are three major players, which I won’t mention who they are. Each one of these major characters one way or another pull the strings to my puppet, meaning me. It is true when I say that I definitely feel I have regressed back into some of my old codependency ways. Some of those ways being, me not ever wanting to say no, or wanting let others down. Another way being that I do love to rescue and help and make people feel as though they’re being saved, that they’re okay and in good hands. I empty my cup, and empty it until there is no more, and still try to give from my empty cup. Before you know it I am at my wits end about to rip my hair out because I am depleted and drained and don’t know how to get myself out and back into drinking from my own cup again.

The last couple of days I have found much more “me” time and in that time I have concluded that if I want to take reins of my own life again and control the direction in which my future is going, then I definitely have to put my foot down. I started to be more of my authentic self. I make sure that before I leave the house in the morning I imagine myself covering myself from head to toe in thick bubble wrap. This bubble wrap is to deflect any and all sorts of negativity that could come my way, bouncing it right off of me. I have started to note when conflicting situations arise and instead of allowing myself to get caught up in the emotion and feed into it, I just say no more, turn around, and walk away.

I need to really reiterate to myself that I do not need to deal with other people’s shit. When I do, that is when I start losing my life and start living theirs. Regardless of who it is and how much love I have for them, this life experience is a short one and I came here to experience it fully for myself. I need to have that reminder in the back of my mind because it is a very strong and important message. If you’re asking me , it’s actually the most important one in my opinion.

Inner Work

~ Natal Galvan

It’s been over a decade that I’ve been working on myself from the inside out. From exercising shadow work to learning new spiritual practicies, I’ve taken a lot of time in getting to know myself as much as possible. In my honest opinion, it’s what truly matters most, enhancing the inside. My journey has had its up as well as downs of course, but it has all been more than well worth it.

I am one to always embrace change and love evolving. It amazes me when I come across questions, reflective questions that really make me dig deep within myself, questions that I feel like I should automatically know the answer to because I’m dealing with myself, but yet, I don’t even have the faintest idea of what the answer truly is. It could take me days to answer a question that is posed upon me. I find that fascinating. What is even more so, are always the answers because they’re never the initial answer that I start with. As I continue digging, the real underlying answers arise, and that’s where the truth of the matter is really embedded.

It started with a small article on finances and how to work on money blocks which led me into a rabbit hole of, well, myself really. Everyday can give you a slight nudge into self discovery you’re open to it. Tonight’s nudge led me into a day dream of future deliciousness to be had. All it takes is a dream, a thought, to produce enough momentum to achieve what you want. It’s really as easy as that.

Knowledge of What’s Around You

~ Natal Galvan

Awareness. It’s not a skill many people have. I would go as far as to call it a gift because for some I don’t think it could be taught. It is something so common and present, because awareness just is, yet most of your everyday people don’t seem to grasp it, let alone execute it.

In a society in which we are continously moving from one thing to the next, all of which is selfishly acted upon, how could one be aware if the only focal point is that of yourself? Now don’t get me wrong I believe in being selfish. I believe that because people aren’t selfish enough, that is why we find so much anxiety, depression, stress, and inadequacy among people today. But one can be selfish and still be aware. I do believe that awareness will not only give you a bit of a leg up in life in some cases, but will also help avoid unwanted situations. Not to mention people have a level of respect for those who are aware.

Countless frustrating situations could be completely avoided if at least one person would have been aware in any given situation. By being unaware you’re more at risk to find yourself in an unpleasant situation, not only for yourself but others as well. It has the potential to help us through even during the most mundane of events, to those that are more life altering. By being present and aware, we are able to maneuver around life with a bit more ease.

To bring a bit more awareness into my life I took up meditation, and although thats been a bit of a struggle, I can already see a difference in myself and how I handle most situations. Since I’ve been working hard on that, I now see it more often the lack that there is of it within my peers. It’s not my journey to go around preaching the power of awareness. Not at this time anyways. I myself am a student still diving into these lessons, but one cant help to naturally notice that there is a lack of it in society. It’s not heartbreaking. Like I mentioned earlier, everyone has their own journey and we are each at various different stages in our growing process. I have faith that little by little the world is awakening to new ways of thought and in that, they’ll unlock their own sense of awareness.

The New Addition

~ Natal Galvan

The Universe has gifted me a new furry friend. Her name is Margo, named after one of my most favorite movies, Fargo, and I’ve had her now for a couple of months. She started as a foster and as we all grew to love her, especially my sister’s pup, I saw no other choice but to adopt her. It came at a great time, too, because next month is the commencement of the anniversaries of so many losses last year. I lost four very important souls to me, two of which were closer to me than anything else in the world. One passed away on me due to old age. One passed totally unexpectedly only after 6 years of being apart of my life. Another died due to a long battle with disease, and the fourth passed by choice, alone in summer Florida woods, only to be found months later by an unsuspecting wanderer.

Last year was riddled with unease for me. It seemed as though one month after the next after the next there was something for me to brace for. It is of no surprise as to why as time went on, I slowly started to pull away, to find peace in solitude. Some say that misery loves company, and where I do see that being true in most cases, it was not true for mine. Misery, for me, calls for alone time, solitude. I don’t care to be around anyone else but myself in order to work out the issues that I am going through. I’ve never been one to speak of any personal negativities, and I leave the come up stories for later on in life. I don’t like calling attention to myself or situations that I find myself in especially those of sorrow. I’m not one to push my sadness or worries, stresses and frustrations, on to others. My journals work for me as an outlet to work things through. My furry friends work for me in ways of emotional support. They’re unconditional love and loyalty is so great that it wraps me up in a warm blanket leaving me feeling cared for.

Margo is a 2 year old mixed breed from Georgia with only Chihuahua being what we know of her true make up. Funny because I’ve always disliked Chi’s and have always said to myself that it would be the last dog breed on Earth I’d buy into. Talk about manifesting and attraction!! But that’s a totally different topic to write about. Although Margo had to leave behind her 8 puppies, she has brought so much love and spunk to this home. Shes become my little buddy. I couldn’t be happier, and by the looks of it, neither could she.

Keeping Quiet

~ Natal Galvan

“Most men are so thoroughly subjective that nothing really interests them but themselves. They always think of their own case as soon as ever any remark is made, and their whole attention is engrossed and absorbed by the merest chance reference to anything which affects them personally, be it never so remote.” -Arthur Schopenhauer

I read this quote and I immediately thought of myself. It is true, that when those around me are tellibging their tales, my brain can’t help but attach personal stories to the words they speak. It’s almost like I’m bursting at the seams, yet trying to be patient, waiting for them to finish, just so that I can participate and share my own experiences. But why? Why is it that we have such a need to intrude on other people’s moment? Maybe not so much intruding, but that urge of sharing.

I’m slowly learning that not only do I not have to always share my own stories, but I also don’t always have to offer up my advice. I’m learning to speak a lot less. If someone is genuine and wanting any of these from me, then they’ll ask. I’m noting that by allowing others to speak freely without interruption from me, they obviously share more. The less I speak, the more I learn about them.

Another true point is the less I offer up, the less I feel rejected. I can’t mention how many times, while trying to participate in a conversation, my comments go unacknowledged. It’s never a good feeling when you feel like no one’s really listening to you. But again, without allowing for those to ask me, I’m only putting myself out there for a possible rejection.

People love to talk and in their world it’s about them. So I’m learning to speak less. As an observer I absorb much more by doing that, which is doing nothing, only listen. It’s incredible the amount that you learn about others or your surroundings by simply keeping quiet.